2011: Rebuild Me

Raise your hand if you, like me, will not miss 2010 in the least! I came out the blocks boldy proclaiming that 2010 was going to be my shining moment. I was going to let my light shine so bright that you would know that I'm a Christian without even having to ask me. Welp, I'm sad that I have to admit, I failed....miserably. My flame dimmed quickly and what we have in the after math is a broken, damaged, bruised and hurt Nefertari.


America, can I take a moment to be transparent?


I was really ready and excited about 2010, until the tests came.


Damaged:
This came in the form of a break up. It wasn't so much the break up that bothered me as much as him moving on did. The relationship, for all intensive purposes, had been over for some time. I was stuck somewhere between complacency and fear. I'd grown accustomed to the fact that he was always there but knew deep down inside we weren't growing.... too many unforgiven hurts, uttered insults, and no peace within. God removed an obstacle and I put it back! Lied to myself by allowing myself to believe that we could be friends. *See how we invite the enemy back in* I just couldn't understand why he got to move on and be happy while I stayed stuck in my pain and pity. I never really gave God a chance to complete the transformation He began. And you gotta love God for sitting back and allowing us to "fix" things our way. Lord forgive me for not leaving this in your hands.


Broken:
In February my son went through a series of evaluations because his teachers were concerned about his cognitive and social growth. Those tests lead to further tests and in May he was officially diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. This was devastating.... well, to me. In my mind, it was like his life was over before it had even started. The world is a cold place to individuals who are differently-abled, even down to the way they categorize them. Disabled: (adj.) crippled, injured, incapcitated. Jackson does not fit either of those descriptions. See in the moment that I heard the word Autism I ceased to believe in God's promise in Romans 8:28. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." See Austism isn't about me or Jackson, its about God. God is going to work something awesome out of this situation, and I allowed the world to tell me otherwise. Lord forgive me for not believing in you.

Bruised:
In January, I interviewed for a full time opportunity to do the job that I had been doing for 2 years as a contractor. I was denied the position. Talk about being pissed. I was good enough to do the job for 2 years but not good enough to get some benefits???? In May they abruptly ended my contract on a Friday afternoon at 2pm. Truth be told, I'm still a little salty about it. No warning, no apology, no thanks for your hard work. But here is the thing about that, when I first took the job it was for a 6 month contract. It was always a temporary situation, and I held on trying to make it something permanent. I should have spent that time nurturing my dream and preparing for take off but I didn't.

Peculiar thing, within 2 weeks of leaving I had 2 job offers. One would have allowed me to move out of state but I was scared. Scared to take the job because I was scared of going somewhere and it just being Jackson and I, scared that the salary wouldn't be sufficient enough and scared that no other doors would open up for me. So I took the local job, and needless to say I'm miserable here. I recently found out that my pay is going to be cut by $4k per year, should I choose to continue employment. So the reason I decided to stay is now the reason why I can't afford to stay. *Yea, I don't care if they're reading this blog* And I'm gonna keep it real, I feel like I'm being punished by God for being disobedient. When I got the relocation job something in the pit of my stomach told me to take it. I definitely had a Peter moment. God was sending me, and I didn't go because I was scared of the unknown. Lord forgive me for doubting you.

Hurt:
While I was busy not leaving matters in God's hands, not believing in God and doubting his plan for my life I was also not patiently waiting for God to send me the man he has designed for me. It's no secret that I have had, what I believe to be, more than my fair share of horrible dating experiences this past year. More than I've actually had a chance to write about to be honest. And as recent as this week my pitfalls in dating actually had me asking myself the following: What the hell is wrong with me???? It's got to be me. I've got to be the reason why I haven't landed Mr. Right yet... right? NOT! The reason why I haven't met him yet is because God hasn't sent him. Love is patient, Nef.... not so much. And yet again, God sits back and allows me to make a mess of my life. I actually think he's getting a good laugh out of it too. Lord forgive me for not waiting on you.

For the Broken - Rebuild Me
For the Damaged - Rebuild Me
For the Bruised - Rebuild Me
For the Hurt - Rebuild Me
I'm standing with all I know. With no where else to go. I'm standing in the need of prayer. If you hear me, Lord please let me know that you're there. Come and fix me! If you don't do it, it won't get done. Forgive me for what I've done. Rebuild Me. ~ James Moss

The Common Denominator

I am officially soliciting the counsel of you America! I need therapy but can't afford to sit on the couch of a true professional. So shall we talk...

How does a girl like me keep attracting the idiots I've gone out with over the last year? Is there an overflow of busters in Charlotte, NC? I've been going on TONS of dates but I'm interested in quality not quantity. I guess it's time to take a look at the common denominator in all of this *queues the music... dun dun dunnnnnn* ME!

I'm not saying that I'm the problem however, I can't deny that I am the universal link. So in my quest to determine the issue a male acquaintance gave an unsolicitated explanation. I apparently suffer from the angry black woman syndrome. Actually allow me to quote him, "You really need to work on your attitude! It's gotten worse over the past few weeks." Can you believe it America, me having a nasty attitude? I know, at first I was appauled too. In fact I was almost apologetic but my lips wouldn't allow me to utter any regrets. So there I stood, in shock about being accused of having a bad attitude. And as if that news wasn't painful enough to hear, dude told me to go home and "reflect on said attitude."

Well America I did go home and reflect on said attitude, and you know what conclusion I was able to come to... Ninja Please, you must not know bout me! Somewhere along the line mofos have gotten the game all twisted. I'm under NO obligation to be nice to any man especially if I'm getting half ass attempts from him in the area of courting. Allow me to elaborate.... I'm the woman, I don't chase. I may initiate a convo or ask a man out on a PSEUDO date (coffee, ice cream, etc.) but that is purely for the purpose of letting him know that I am interested. If he wants my attention it is his job to get it and keep it. If all he does is consistently invite me over to his place to chill, as opposed to taking me on a REAL date or everytime we talk its about us performing some type of sex act that is a part of his sexual fantasy then guess what... I'm going to have some sort of attitude. I am a very warm and inviting person, but if I'm giving attitude it's because I've lost interest. I can't possibly take any man serious if he isn't interested in getting to know Nefertari.

I'm confident about who I am, what I want and what I have to offer. This ain't a game to me. I reserve the right to be selective because what I have ain't for everybody.

So America what did I learn from this situation? I'm definitely not the reason why this mofo is single.

Operation Relocation

#OperationRelocation


If you follow me on twitter you already know what the above hashtag is about. Despite the fact that Charlotte has been my home for over 20 years (by the way I'm only 22 *wink wink*), I am homesick. I'm originally from Brooklyn, NY and moved down here with my grandparents in 1989. Both of my grandparents have since passed and other than my son I don't have any family here. Home is where the heart is, and my heart is with my family but I have to be honest moving back to NY is a pseudo desire. I just want to spend time with my family, I don't really want to raise my child there, live in an overpriced apartment in a high rise building, deal with alternate side of the street parking M-F, or ride public transportation because the cost of parking in the city is sky high. Nope, I just really want to spend time with my loved ones regularly... more than once or twice a year.

When my grandmother was alive, she would throw these huge dinners at her house just because she wanted to see her family. When we moved down to Charlotte, she kept up the tradition and so there was always someone visiting from Up Top. "I miss you" was all the reason she needed to gather with loved ones. Since her passing, I feel so lonely. I miss the sense of family that she created. My family isn't perfect but they are mine. I love them and I miss them. I haven't seen my Dad and his family in 3 years; my younger brother since February and a host of cousins, aunts, uncles since God knows. So there you have it. I'm willing to turn mine and Jax's life upside down just to be able to get in a car, ride a train or a bus for a short ride and spend time with those who mean the most to me while we still have breath in our bodies to do so.

This is some real n*gga sh*t right here!

The following phone conversation took place on Thanksgiving Day at approxiamately 12PM between Family Guy and myself:

HIM: Hey Babe, Happy Thanksgiving.

ME: Hi! Same to you. How are you today.

HIM: I'm ok. Look, I need to tell you that Thanksgiving dinner has been cancelled today. My mom and my sister got into it real bad last night and my sister cancelled dinner at her place. I'm just gonna chill at home with the girls and have a quiet Thanksgiving.

ME: Oh ok.

HIM: Yeah, so I will talk to you some time later.

ME: Oh ok. Well have a good day. Talk to you later.

Ok America... are you thinking what I was thinking? "Craig, you ain't gots to lie!" The followup conversation took place at approxiamately 10PM Thanksgiving evening.

HIM: Hey Babe, how was your day?

ME: It was pretty cool. Was only able to make 2 of my 4 stops but we ate good. I hate that I didn't get a chance to see you. How was your's?

HIM: Wonderful. I got to see a lot of family members that I haven't seen in a minute. Food was good.

ME: Oh really? Where was this?

HIM: At my sisters.

ME: *interrupting him in mid sentence* Ooooooh ok. Well I'm watching this Beyonce special on t.v. and she is about to sing my song. I'll call you back after the show.

HIM: Ok.

Ok, I lied. I had no intent on calling back and no desire of hearing how he was going to spin this lie. Lying to me, no matter the circumstance, is an absolute deal breaker and it is something I let men know up front. Now had he just left the conversation at that I probably wouldn't have written this blog but I must expose bullshit in dating whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Two days later I received the following text message from Family Guy: "Hey. (I) haven't forgot us just got a lot of bs going on right now and I don't want it to transfer when we talkin or hangin. I think we should chill for a min, sorry"

Yes America, this is truly a WTF moment! First of all dude, I ceased all contact with you on Thanksgiving. In my mind I was cool with just leaving things where they were. I didn't like the fact that you created a stupid lie rather than just being honest and saying, "Something has come up and I need to take back my invitation to dinner," but that was the card you chose to play. I wanted to remember you as a fairly decent guy but noooooo you had to have the last word.

How sorry must you be as a man to not have the guts to face me as a women or at least pick up the phone and call me to tell me that you no longer have a desire to see me? It isn't a crime for one person to loose interest in another. However, no adult should break things off with another adult in such an informal fashion.... EVER! Some things are really just that simple but when people go out of their way to be non confrontational it just creates a down situation.

All of my 2010 dating pitfalls have ONE common theme: bad communication. No really, read the blog. I know men are from Mars and women are from Venus (blah blah blah) but communication has always been about 1 thing... Making sure your audience receives your intended message. Since I've chosen not to respond to any attempts to communicate with me, I hope he is hearing (listening for understanding that is) clearly. Or perhaps the next time he calls, I should just pick up the phone and press play on Cee-Lo Green's FUCK YOU in lieu of talking to him. I don't think he will misinterpret my message then.

An unlikely pair.....

I remember when the world first found out about Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri and how NOBODY could understand what drew the two together (or at least that was my reaction). She, pop royalty and he... well I have yet to find a nice way to describe Jermaine, nothing personal, but you know.

Well while on my date with Family Guy this past weekend that is the image that popped into my head. There I was, all prissed up, proper speaking, dressed straight off the rack of Ann Taylor and there he was sitting across the table from me in his Ecko sweater, jeans and Air Force 1's. We were talking about something non-important when it dawned on me that dude is exactly the type of man that I've spent much of my adult life avoiding. This isn't to say anything bad about dude but I definitely was not checking for someone like him in my dating adventures.

I VERY recently retired my (grocery) list of requirements. You know the list I'm talking about. The one that reads: Mr. Right must be 6' 3" tall, hold a Master's from an Ivy League School, earn 150k+ a year, must be physically fit, etc... Ok, ok that is a GROSS exaggeration of my list but I think you get the point I'm trying to make. Every woman has one. It's almost like we are going to run down to the local Harris Teeter, gather these ingredients and Presto... The Perfect Man will appear (hence the grocery reference). Like really ladies, who put that dumb idea in our heads? Or as Dr. Phil would say, "How's that working out for ya?"

I'm learning that I what I WANT isn't always what I NEED. Please don't miscontrue that as a statement of me settling but rather a declaration that I'm ready to be realistic about life and love. Family Guy could possibly end up not being Mr. Right for me and that's ok. Going forward I plan to leave each experience a little more in tune with what I need from a relationship.

Janet has gone on record to say that Jermaine saw her differently and made her feel good about herself and her self image. I wouldn't expect her to air her dirty laundry but the fact that she speaks so highly of the man at every opportunity definitely tells me that she received something of value out of their relationship. In a way, he upgraded her....

McDonald's is my kinda place....

Fresh from the dating adventures of JustNef we have a 1st.


Not since high school has someone taken me on a date to McDonald's. While normally this would warrant automatic dismissal from tryouts I must say that this man has cemented a 2nd date from me in the very near future.

I'm all over this trying something new thing and this is exactly how I ended up eating a kids meal at McD's for dinner on Saturday. When he asked if we could meet up sometime over the past weekend my knee jerk response was I have my son and generally need advanced notice to make accomdations for him but straight from a Tyler Perry movie dude was like, "Well I have my girls this weekend, so why don't we meet at the park and we can bring the kids?" How could I say no to that? The boy enjoyed the park, and the meet up was so unassuming that none of the kids really noticed. At the end of the play date his girls stated that they were hungry and asked their dad if he would take them to McDonald's. He said sure but in a twist of fate they asked if they could invite their new friend (my son)...lol How cute! It was definitely a good time for the great taste of McDonald's.

It was over before it started...

Welp, Jamaica was cut from the roster. I love early cuts. No one is attached, so walking away isn't personal.

So what lead to Jamaica's downfall? Well we were supposed to meet up for a date, one in which we had talked to each other about just an hour and a half prior to the scheduled meet time of 7:30pm. Well 7:30 came, no Jamaica. 8:00 came, no Jamaica, no phone call or text. 8:30 I called and left a voicemail. 8:45 I sent a text. 9pm he was unofficially released, barring extenuating circumstances such as death, arrest or hospitalization. However those circumstances had an expiration time of midnight. When I finally heard back from him, it around 1pm the next day and it was by text, which read, "I am so sorry. I was speelling." Ok, first of all what the hell is speelling? And secondly, was the best excuse he could come up with 18 hours later? Honestly he could have kept that message because I don't communicate after a cut but I do enjoy a good lie every now and then. He didn't even try to envoke his imagination...

Here is an important take away from Jamaica's slip. My time is important to me. I am a single mom, full time employee and part time graduate student. Setting aside time to spend with someone is a big deal because that means I have to get a sitter, rush to do homework, etc. And it is for these exact same reasons that I am just as considerate about the time of others. Since we were fairly early in our dating adventures a simple call would have been acceptable. The excuse used wouldn't have really mattered to me but definitely noted as a means of identifying patterns of behavior going forward. SN: I am a phone call type of girl. A text would have been ignored even though I sent one, mainly because I ALWAYS call first.

Dudes are always asking me why am I still single. They are usually quick to label me as picky or high maintenance but Jamaica is a perfect example of a dude doing something stupid which got him teliminated from my life. A phone call could have avoided this outcome. Isn't that the same thing our parents used to say?

Something New....

So I went on my first blind date EVER last weekend, and to my surprise it wasn't a horror story. I actually had a good time, despite going into it I was thinking in the back of my mind that dude was crazy and was gonna stuff me in the trunk of his car, drive me to a remote location and bury me alive... Ok a bit much, I know...lol. But no for real!


Anywho we enjoyed a nice dinner at Vida Mexican Eatery y Cantina (code for expensive tacos but definitely worth the try) and played a few rounds of pool after dinner. Conversation was great! He is from Jamaica, so we will just call him Mr. Jamaica, and his accent made me melt. I've never dated anyone from the Caribbean, nothing against them just never dated them. He smelled so good and his kisses...... (No worries, I'm gonna keep it PG).


I definitely stepped out of my comfort zone on this one. Something that I realized that I needed to start doing because what I was doing previously just wasn't yielding the results I desired. I'm proud of myself. I've gotten rid of the list, because as my bestie recently told me "lists are for grocery shopping and chores." Don't get me wrong, there are still some "can't do withouts" (i.e. dude must have ALL of his teeth, must have his own ride and place to stay, no more than 2 children and 2 baby mommas, etc.) but at the end of the day my list made it seem like I was trying to date Jesus. And since Jesus isn't available it's time for me to start looking for someone who is.


So here is to something new... I'm sooooo EXCITED!

Off with her hair!

About the only consistent thing about me is my propensity to change. On average I change addresses once a year, cars about every 2 years, and hairstyles every 3 - 6 months. So when I decided to shave all my hair off my head for the 3rd time in as many years, G.I. Jane style of course, I was confused as to why folks still took the time to gasp in shock. And about the dumbest question ever asked to man follows the gasp: "But what made you cut all your hair off?" I wish I was remotely witty in my response but I've determined that whenever I exploit that part of my personality people tend to label me crass.


Sidenote: I never understand how some folks have the nerve of to ask YOU a question regarding YOUR decision making and then get upset about YOUR response.


Anywho, back to the point.... So this time I think I want to attempt to loc my hair. I know, I know... this requires patience and some stability; qualities that I have yet to master. Besides, I just can't stay away from a good wig. The longer the better. I guess what I'm trying to say is, it's MY hair and I will do what I want with it. I'm very comfortable being Nefertari, so I don't need your advice on how to do me.

Day 8 without cable tv... What the hell was I thinking?!?

Just in time for the coonery known as the TO and OchoCinco shows, I had decided to remove cable television from my life. I unplugged the box , drove to the mall and handed it over to the TWC rep. Just like that I quit the drug that left me with less brain cells each day. It was a sudden decision; something that I can probably blame on the Vodka Summit that I just so happened to attend on the evening before. Either way here I am, going through withdrawals.

Day 1 wasn't so bad, but afterall I barely spent more than 3 hours awake at home. But when the boy returned from his visit with the grandparents last weekend that is when the sweats and itching began. He went into his room and turned the tv on as normal but unbeknownst to him there would be no Yo Gabba Gabba waiting for him. He looked at the snowy receiption in amazement then proceeded to turn the channels almost as if it were a fluke of some sort. Once he realized that the same boring show was on all the channels he shrugged his shoulders, turned off the TV and proceeded to attempt the same process on the other 2 TVs in the house. On that day I was grateful for the "Let's meet the numbers" DVD. It seemed to capture his attention and he showed immediate interest in pointing out numbers to me everywhere he could find them.

However, fast forward to day 7 and I am no longer known as Mommy but as the jungle gym sitting on the couch. As I attempted to take an online assessment for class the boy determined that jumping and climbing on me was way more exciting than watching ANY DVD. I tried to fool him with outdoor activities (i.e. riding his bike, going to the pool, playing catch with the dog), and yet I was the one that ended up the fool. No sooner than returning in doors I became the designated playground. This eventually led to me putting the boy in bed at 8:30 with a Curious George DVD on repeat, and a stern warning that if his narrow behind got out of the bed for any reason other than to use the potty he and my belt would be getting acquainted.

Well to say that I felt guilty after that exchange would be the understatement of the year. I as we speak have decided to give in the television obsession by placing an order with DirecTv for service and purchasing a Wii. However, the fast will continue until August 1st. Does this mean that I am less of a sucker because I'm making him wait 2 weeks?

Did you just voicemail me?

After getting the phone number of a potential interest from a mutual friend I was faced with the do I text or call him dilemma. We had only met briefly at a networking event, so to be honest I wasn't sure if I had left a memorable impression. But there I was, with number in hand...

It felt like high school all over again. You remember, the days when we would get the number, sit in front of the phone, muster the courage to dial the number and cop out right before dialing the last digit? Or how about you would dial the full number and then hang up before someone answered or prayed that you would get the answering machine so you wouldn't have to leave a message? *Hey I'm old. This was before everybody had caller i.d. and answering machines were used to screen calls*

Well after consulting with a few sources I was relieved to find out about a service that would allow me to call this person and get put directly into his voicemail. Like wow... really? It's exactly what I needed in my life. #POW This service should be considered a national treasure. Why was I just finding out about it? And did everyone else but me know that there was an app for it? I am now an avid supporter of this service.

As stated in their advertisement: Many use their service because they are short on time, don't want to bother someone, want to avoid an awkward conversation or when a text message just won't cut it! Yep I'm all over removing awkwardness from my life. I don't need additional opportunities to make a complete ass of myself.

Operation find Nef a why-te man....

Yea, I have to admit this latest campaign is drawing controversy. But then again when is anything about me not involving some controversy. Dating is like a box of chocolates... so many choices, dark, milk and yes my friends even white. And I am not ashamed to say I am equal opportunity when it comes to chocolate and men.

Why white men? Well.... why not? I ain't skerd and this ain't new territory for me. My ex-husband was white. Yes, I did say ex and I know what you are thinking... "if it didn't work out with him why go back?" Well it didn't work out with any of the black guys that I've dated and that hasn't deterred my pursuit of them. The way I see it, as with anything else in life, dating is a numbers game. The more available candidates in the pool to select from the more likely I will end up in a relationship. Besides some of y'all of over thinking this operation. It's dating and I'm having fun and at the end of the day that is all I care about (for now at least). And for those of you who know me personally know that if nothing else occurs during this process we are at least guaranteed to have some good laughs...

Welp, I hope you enjoy the journey and the live tweets...lol. Names will be changed to protect the innocent, namely me.

www.twitter.com/justnef

I promise to only cry about this thing ONE last time...

I don't like the rules. Can I rewrite them? I want the piece of my heart that I gave to you back. I will gladly return yours, that is if I ever really had it. No I don't hate you. But thanks to you I'm jaded. I want closure, that intangible asset that everyone experiencing pain requests. I know that I will never be made whole and now I'm beginning to realize that this chapter will never actually have an end. You see I can't erase the memories and I can't change the facts. I loved you... still do; but you didn't and still don't appreciate it. You exploited my kindness as though it were a weakness. You preyed on my vulnerabilities. My transparency became your weapon of choice. And although the thoughts have crossed my mind, I just can't muster up the energy to do you the way you have done me.

My vow is to only cry about this once more. I doubt it will erase my pain or feelings of victimization. But here are the facts: 1. Everything that you have to use against me I gave it to you, so I'm to blame. 2. I'm no longer looking for you to acknowledge your wrongs. 3. And although this experience has been painful, I needed it to get me where I'm supposed to be. So... thank you!

You do know that I'm CrAzY, right?

Ok America, I just told y'all I ain't been saved but for a minute, right? So why is it that folks are dead set on testing me? I am crazy! Not straight jacket, padded cell, popping pills crazy; more like sitting in a completely dark room sipping on a deuce deuce of malt liquor, puffing on a Newport while listening to gangster rap crazy. And I'm sure given the right circumstances I may fall off the edge, snap and catch a charge.

I grew up in a time where children were actually scared of adults for that very exact reason. In fact I recall using this very statement, "I'm not going to do that, don't you know that my grandparents are crazy!" And just so we are I clear, I expect Jax to grow up telling his friends the same thing.

Ok, here's the truth: My bark is often worse than my bite. However my tolerance for bullshit is negligible, if any at all. I've often been told that I don't have a filter, and at 32 I don't plan on getting one either. Becoming a mom has lowered your odds of sympathy from me. Don't get me wrong, I am a very compassionate, loyal person. If you were down and out and I could help I would but people often view my kindness as a weakness. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not liked by all. At this point in my life I'm not concerned with others or their opinion of me. They haven't provided me with any of the blessings that have been bestowed upon me. They don't have a heaven (or a hell for that matter) to put me in. I stopped viewing life as a popularity contest a long time ago. I've been sent by the Kingdom for an important assignment. I have dreams to live out and a purpose to walk in.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (Nefertari's Introspective Version)

Nefertari, I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Nefertari, you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

I'm prayed up and I'm focused man! No weapon....

We Can't Be Friends!

I came across the following quote on twitter today:

"If a relationship ends because the *person* wasn't treating you as you deserve then HELL NO you can't 'be friends! Friends don't mistreat friends." *This quote was edited because I feel that it fits both males and females*


Simple and to the point right? Well then why in the world do we keep allowing people to mistreat us? Why are we glutton for punishment? Let's be real, yes it is wrong for someone to take advantage of our feelings, kindness, love, etc... but aren't we to blame for allowing such things to occur when we attempt to leave friendship on the table? Some of us guard our possessions with more security than we do our hearts. And so there it lays, on the road for someone to run over repeatedly. Then when we finally run up on something or someone good we don't know how to treat it because we are holding on to some past hurts. CrAzY!!!!

Look people these are relationship fundamentals. And yes, I am ministering to myself on this one for sure! So how does the healing begin? Stop being naive. Don't expect an apology. Stop looking for closure. Don't be bitter. Let it go. Not all things require answers. While you are waiting in expectation for those things, life is surely passing you by.

Yes, it is and will be hard to let go. No one desires to be alone. God did not design us that way. He made Adam and then Eve in his likeness because he felt that Adam needed companionship. But I would rather be alone than continue to be in a toxic relationship.

Casting Call....

Wouldn't it be great if we could just post an ad for the ideal person we are looking to share our lives with and hold auditions until we found exactly what we were looking for? If so my ad would read as follows:

Now auditioning for the role of lead man in Nefertari's life.

Interested candidates need to meet the following prerequisites in order to be considered:

• Single, heterosexual male between the ages of 25 - 35
• He must be a GOD fearing man, that has a personal relationship with Christ and is active in his home church.
• Must have a stable career. No more than 2 jobs in the last 3 years.
• Can not have been charged or convicted for a crime against a person (i.e. rape, assault, attempted murder).
• If he has children he MUST be up to date on child support payments and must have an active relationship with the children. Gentlemen with more than 2 children will not be considered.
• Must exhibit sound financial practices.
• Must have a desire to marry, and spend the rest of his life in a monogamous relationship.

Please, no drama, no baggage, no representatives and no sponsors. Serious candidates only. The director reserves the right to change the script as needed.

And then I pinch myself and drift back to reality. I can always keep hope alive. Maybe he's reading this right now?

My head hurts...

Ok, 1st let me say coming up with topics for this blog is exhausting. I'm sorry for neglecting her so much. But why did it just hit me that it doesn't matter what the title is, this blog is about me... I'm alive everyday, so how could I not have ample material for it? LOL


Anywho, I recently had a revelation. After 2.5 years of pursuit and $40k in student loans I've decided that I DO NOT want to be a Project Manager. Yup folks, you heard it here first. I've changed my mind, yet again. In fact my inability to remain committed to something that no longer holds my attention is one of the most consistent things of my personality. In other words I get bored easily. My friends and family saw this coming tho. They refer to me as the professional student. Always learning something new.


So why the change? Well I 've been tired of corporate for quite some time. The culture is so not me. I'm not a liar. I keep it real. I'm not a robot. I'm family oriented. And most importantly, I'm loyal to myself and my son. Those qualities have made my path difficult at best in my current and previous jobs. I'm not going to brown nose. I don't want to be in management and I'm not cut out to throw folks in front the bus as a means of self preservation.

All this talk about careers and change makes my head hurt! I mean was growing up optional? Cause this adult stuff hurts, sucks and is messing with my pursuit of happyness. Where is Dr. Conrad Murray when you need him? I sure could use 2 of something right now.

25 Random Things About Me....

1. I AM from Brooklyn, NY! I know you can't tell from my Southern accent.
2. I am not a complicated person.
3. My favorite Seaseme Street character is Grover. It ain't easy being blue!
4. My favorite singer is Mariah Carey. I've seen her in concert and have had the opportunity to meet her.
5. My favorite color is Pink.
6. I write daily in a gratitude journal. I have so much to be thankful for.
7. At night I watch my son sleep. I still can't believe that he is REAL.
8. I miss my grandmother. She raised me and there hasn't been a day since her passing that she hasn't crossed my mind.
9. I voted for George W. Bush in 2000 and 2004. Sad but true.
10. I'm not scared to speak my mind. We are entitled to our opinions so why be scared to express them?
11. I was married for less than a 1 year (not counting the 1 year separation).
12. I have 4 tattoos and have already designed number 5.
13. I miss selling Real Estate full time.
14. I've never been offered or done an illegal drug. And I'd like to keep it that way!
15. This is the 4th Honda Accord that I have owned.
16. I can't stand the following phrases: Baby Momma, Baby Daddy.
17. In elementary school I used to suck my thumb.
18. I love to laugh.
19. Hair is an accessory. I'm not scared to change it up.
20. My favorite meal is spaghetti, meatballs, garlic bread and salad.
21. I can cook! My grandma taught me.
22. I can bake from scratch! Another thing my grandma taught me.
23. I like controlled chaos but can't stand a mess.
24. I used to run 5k's.
25. Yes, I'm tall (5'10") but I don't know how to play basketball.

The Ready-Made Family Syndrome

I recently discovered that I suffer from the ready-made family syndrome. What is that, you may ask. Well, it applies to independent singles mom's who are quite capable of holding things down but are in search of that significant other to make things whole. Or as my friend so insensitively mentioned to me, "You have the house, you have the child and now you're looking to add a man and stir...." Mind you this came from a person that was well aware of the fact that I had accomplished all of these things prior to us embarking on our courtship. It was in that moment that it hit me.... I could be perfect in all areas that he may have on his "list" but because I have a child I'm not the one for him. Just made me want to say C'mon Son, get the fuck outta here with that bullshit! But I digress.


So I ask, single mom's, is this the reason why we aren't being snatched off the market as the HOT commodities we are? Not only are my chances of getting married sharply declining because I'm over 30 and I'm black but now you can add the fact that I'm a mom to that and take me out of the equation. Here is what really pisses me off, I take care of myself because I have to. I have ambition, drive.... yeah you can call me "Miss Independent;" and that is being held against me. I wasn't about to change my standard of living because I had a child. Not all single mom's are living in the PJ's, waiting on their welfare check. Although I wasn't married when I had my child, it wasn't my intent to remain single but things are what they are. Or how about those women that are single mom's because of divorce? I know a number of good women (self included) that are being overlooked just because. Yes, I can do it for myself, buy it for myself, but that doesn't mean that I don't want a man to do it.


If he would have asked for my thoughts on the situation he would have found that I am looking for the missing ingredient in my recipe. Webster's defines the term blend as follows: to mix smoothly and inseparably together. Sure things work ok now as they are, but why settle for ok when you can have SPECTACULAR?? Adding a strong stable man to the equation can only be seen as nothing less than good for our children; even with their biological father is doing his part. I am not interested in adding mediocracy to my recipe.


Now don't get me wrong, dude was totally entitled to have his preference. However, had he been upfront about his uneasiness about entering a relationship with me I wouldn't have wasted my time or his, nor would I be writing this blog. So it appears that a number of lessons have been learned from this situation. Perhaps the most disappointing is the fact that I'm thought of as a packet of kool-aid...

I was not built to break.....

What a week!

Imagine sitting in a room and listening to someone tell you that there are concerns for your child. Concerns that have the potential to affect his development and way of life. That was me last week. I sat in a room with 3 professionals as they explained to me the findings of their recent evaluations. The results: my son shows concerns in the areas of social interaction, speech and language development and sensory development. In short, he exemplifies behavior consistent with Autism.

It felt as though someone had just dropped a ton of bricks on me, like my heart was being shredded to pieces. Not my son! He is a bright, animated little boy... you must have him mistaken. I've been unable to sleep. I think I've cried myself to sleep every night, only to wake up 2 hours later and not be able to fall back asleep. I haven't watched this many re-runs in a minute. I've been withdrawing from the crowd... shut down my facebook page, not taking calls, not answering texts. No desire to eat. No desire to get out of bed.

I was already dealing with some other hurts, and this news just made me question what is the purpose of it all. I know this doesn't sound like a confident Christian but the fact is at the end of the day I'm human. Being a Christian didn't take away my ability to feel. My highest high pales in comparison to this new low. I'm not a fan of suicide and I know better than to turn to alcohol or drugs as a crutch, but in this moment I fully understand how the pressure of life can cause someone to falter.

Romans 8:28 says, "And we KNOW that ALL THINGS work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Really God? My son didn't ask to be here, much less for all this to be handed to him. I am having a hard time believing, seeing or understanding how this is working out for my good. Yes, I am questioning if God is really on my side.... Why is God allowing this to occur to us? Why is God stripping me of everything that I've become comfortable with? Have I become too complacent with my walk? Have I allowed the outside to influence me too much? Or could it be that I am starting to look less like Christ and more like Nefertari?

What is the purpose of going through? It's definitely not so you can come out, because I can guarantee this will not be my last opportunity to go through.

Matthew 28:18-20 "And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, ALL power is given unto me in heaven, and in earth. Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen."

This moment, this experience, this time isn't about me and it isn't about Jackson. It is about God! It has always been about God. A tough pill to swallow but definitely medicine. See God commissioned the believers to go forth and spread the gospel. This is the purpose of being a Christian. And Romans 8:28 reminds us that things will work out for those called according to HIS purpose. So even in my pain, I must not loose sight of the fact that everything that is occuring is because of God's plan.

So in going through I must take away the following: My life is not my own, so how I feel is insignificant. God proves his word by allowing us to be tested (go though). In my pain, in my suffering I can not give up on what GOD has said to me. And lastly who I am to God, I must become.

Going through has nothing to do with me....

Don't push me, I ain't been saved but for a minute...

Well, I've been saved much longer than a minute but I made the committment to live right for real for real about 10 years ago. And yes, it is a challenge. I have always been a shoot it straight, keep it real type of person and unfortunately for me that may involve some cussing. I'm not a sailor or anything like that, but some situations warrant a good stern look you in the face cussing out. I like to hang out with my friends in social settings.... like a club and if the DJ plays my song I will drop it like its hot. I have a child and I wasn't married to his dad. I'm also a fan of alcohol, mainly wine and anything with vodka in it; although I am proud to say that I've been on a drinking fast for about 6 months give or take a recent fall off the wagon. My point is I'm not God or Jesus, I'm Nefertari.

God knew that when he made me that I wasn't going to be perfect so he made some provisions for people like myself. By no means is that permission to dine at the all you can sin buffet, but its definitely not a pass to judge. I'm just talking about me right now, but I'm sure if this were not a soliloquy your story wouldn't be much different from mine. My guess is you're not perfect either. If God wanted perfection he would have created such, thus eliminating the need to send his Son. Even Jesus was tested, in the garden of Gesthamane. He could have chose not to allow himself to be nailed to the cross, but instead in his prayer to his Father he simply said, "Thy will be done." And as a result we all have a chance to go to Heaven.

My point... God wants to use you. Yes, you with all of your imperfections, your drama and your mess. In fact that's exactly the type of person he's looking to have join his team. People with real experiences that have been changed from the inside. Folks that can say, "Even me. He used even me!"

You see, they call it a Christian walk for a reason. It's a journey not a destination. One where you evolve as a person and as a Christian. You start school today but you don't get a degree tomorrow. As in life, God doesn't expect you to become perfect overnight but he definitely expects growth. That is why who I am today is not who I once was and not who I hope to become.

I didn't get the job!

So I recently interviewed with my current manager for my own position and they told me that they had decided to go with an outside candidate. Crazy right? I have been in this position as a contractor for 2 years, so I'm not sure why there was a need to interview an outside candidate much less myself for a job that I already do. It's not like they don't track my progress or meet with me monthly about my stats.

At first I was angry. Like really people, why am I here if you don't think I'm good enough to work full time for your company? But then my anger turned into disappointment. Not disappointment in the company but disappointment in myself. See when I took the position I was told it was temporary but I've been trying to turn a temporary situation into a permanent one. It is no secret that I don't see a longterm future for me at this company. So why do I keep applying for positions here? Maybe I like the torture...

I was blessed with a vision 4 years ago, and was forced off a ledge to pursue it. I enjoyed the ride and was actually beginning to find success when I allowed someone to tell me that I was chasing my tail and needed to get a "REAL" job. I now know that their motivation was fueled by the fact that they weren't able to see their dreams get off the ground. But even knowing that, I'm still here and reality is that I'm scared. I'm scared to fail, scared to shake my life up, scared that I will loose my child. Its paralyzing me. It really has a hold on me.

Why am I allowing this?

Matthew 14:29-31 (New International Version)

"Come," HE said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," HE said, "Why did you doubt?"

I'm having a Peter moment. Actually I'm probably worse off than Peter at this point because I'm scared to get out of the boat. My dreams, my goals, God's vision is the water... and not just any ole puddle of water, we are talking an ocean.

I don't even know how I got to this point....doubting God. I can't use the comfortzone argument because I find NO comfort in coming here everyday. I'm a contractor and at any point they can say to me thanks for your time and service. I don't want to be pushed off the ledge again, but I'm not doing much to propel myself into my destiny either.

Yesterday was definitely confirmation that I'm not where I should be, not where I need to be. I announced 4 short weeks ago that this is my year to shine... well right now I'm just a dimly lit bulb. Time to double down on the hand God has given me. No,....more like ALL chips in. I speak ALOT of things over my life; things that I definitely believe because God has already provided for me through his grace. I have faith in God but I'm lacking faith in myself. (That was hard to write). I can't get to where God wants to take me without it. Afterall HE's waiting for me.... and as usual I'm late.

Nefertari, God has not given you the spirit of fear but of POWER and of SOUND MIND. Step out of the boat!

Love, is patient....

If the weather man says that the temperature outside is 30 degrees, it is definitely cold! If you made an overall grade of 94 in your English class then you definitely passed. Heck, 2+2 will always equal 4. The numbers don't lie. But there are some numbers that were recently released that are particularly troubling to me. 42% of Black women aren't married and 70% of professional Black women aren't married. I just so happen to fall within all 3 of those categories... I'm black, I'm a professional AND I'm single. Does this indicate that all is doomed for my crack at happily ever after?

Why is the world all of sudden interested in black women being single? Relationships and the black woman are booming business these days. It's turned Steve Harvey from a comedian to a "relationship guru". Dr. Phil and Oprah have done shows on it. It has even caught the attention of mainstream media, ABC's Good Morning America and Nightline. All painting us as women without a clue when it comes to selecting a mate. I admit some women are being unrealistic in what they want, making foolish decisions and putting the cart before the horse when it comes to relationships; but I refuse to allow some numbers to determine whether or not I will get married.

I have some confessions: Yes, I used to have a list, and passed up some good dudes because of it. The moment you realize that...life kind of sucks. Yes, I've made some foolish choices and decisions all in the name of love. I call those learning opportunities. And yes, I'm guilty of putting the cart before the horse (i.e. planing the wedding before I even received the proposal, starting the family before the marriage). But all of those experiences allowed me to realize that I'm doing way too much when it comes to relationships. I mean if God knew who I was and what I was going to be before he even formed me in my mother's womb, why wouldn't it work the same for who will be my mate?

What happened to everything in God's time or Lord, THY will be done? We are out here making a mess of things and got the nerve to be upset that we aren't joined at the hip to something that is totally wrong for us. Instead of saying he's a dog, why don't you just admit that you ignored the signs to walk away and got caught up? Or here's a good one.. next time you deny a good man because he doesn't have a degree or because he isn't rough enough around the edges for you, just admit that you let a good man go because of your issues and hangups. I'm not bashing, I'm just saying.

We are all familiar with the Love scripture. It has been read or printed on a program for almost every wedding that I have ever attended, but when was the last time you looked at as more than just a poem?
1st Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV ~ Nefertari's Introspective Version)
Love is patient (it WILL wait on me and I WILL wait for it), love is kind (it has manners and respect for my feelings). It does not envy (won't get mad me because someone else happens to admire me), it does not boast (it won't cause me to put him on blast or vice versa), it is not proud. It is not rude (it won't ignore me, won't say mean things to me, won't say untrue things about me and won't cause me to do any of those things to them), it is not self seeking (GET RID OF THE LIST), it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs (if you forgive them let it go!). Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth (the truth can be painful at times, but there is NEVER a reason to lie). It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (brings a whole new meaning to having someone's back).

Love NEVER fails (pretty self explanatory).

All is not lost. There is a happily ever after for every woman. Question is who's will you choose, yours or God's?

2010: My Shining Moment

Well, we have been blessed enough to make it to see a new year! And with that, the dawning of endless possibilities and resolutions. This year I resolve to stop resolving. I mean let's be truthful... it hasn't worked in the past 20-something years. It's broke, so I'm fixing it!

Where did that tradition begin? Everyone is all gung ho about loosing weight, starting a business or stopping a bad habit on January 1 but sometimes by as early as January 15th they've thrown in the towel. The feeling of defeat and failure is so crippling that many don't even attempt to go after their goals until the following January 1st. I've allowed this to happen to me many times. However this time I have a word for failure, fear and everything that attempts to stand in between me and God's destiny.

I'm making a bold declaration. Jesus said that I am to be the light of the world and dog gone it I intend on shining in 2010. My goals weren't chosen haphazardly. They were implanted in me by God; much in the same manner that he commissioned Mary to be the mother of Jesus. Check this out...

Luke 1: 28 - 31, NIV (Nefertari's Introspective Version)

The angel went to Nefertari and said, "Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you." I was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting might this be. But the angel said to me, "Do not be afraid, Nefertari, you have found favor with God. You will have a dream, it will come to pass, and it will be called WONDERFUL by God."

Yes, I sure did put MY name in the scripture and... NO I'm not delusional or schizophrenic. God has a plan for my life the same way he had a plan for Mary's life. In fact no one is excluded. Therefore the day of the year is irrelevant. If God has blessed me with the gift of life, one more day, then the least I can do is bless God by using that day to pursue the dream he has given to me.

God's favor didn't end with the book of Revelation, or December 31st of the previous year for that matter. Today is merely a continuation of what he was doing yesterday. Another opportunity to live out your purpose in God... shine your light. An opportunity that should be seized daily.. not as part of a New Year's declaration.

In 2010, I intend on getting my SHINE on! Pardon me if my light is too bright.