I didn't get the job!

So I recently interviewed with my current manager for my own position and they told me that they had decided to go with an outside candidate. Crazy right? I have been in this position as a contractor for 2 years, so I'm not sure why there was a need to interview an outside candidate much less myself for a job that I already do. It's not like they don't track my progress or meet with me monthly about my stats.

At first I was angry. Like really people, why am I here if you don't think I'm good enough to work full time for your company? But then my anger turned into disappointment. Not disappointment in the company but disappointment in myself. See when I took the position I was told it was temporary but I've been trying to turn a temporary situation into a permanent one. It is no secret that I don't see a longterm future for me at this company. So why do I keep applying for positions here? Maybe I like the torture...

I was blessed with a vision 4 years ago, and was forced off a ledge to pursue it. I enjoyed the ride and was actually beginning to find success when I allowed someone to tell me that I was chasing my tail and needed to get a "REAL" job. I now know that their motivation was fueled by the fact that they weren't able to see their dreams get off the ground. But even knowing that, I'm still here and reality is that I'm scared. I'm scared to fail, scared to shake my life up, scared that I will loose my child. Its paralyzing me. It really has a hold on me.

Why am I allowing this?

Matthew 14:29-31 (New International Version)

"Come," HE said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," HE said, "Why did you doubt?"

I'm having a Peter moment. Actually I'm probably worse off than Peter at this point because I'm scared to get out of the boat. My dreams, my goals, God's vision is the water... and not just any ole puddle of water, we are talking an ocean.

I don't even know how I got to this point....doubting God. I can't use the comfortzone argument because I find NO comfort in coming here everyday. I'm a contractor and at any point they can say to me thanks for your time and service. I don't want to be pushed off the ledge again, but I'm not doing much to propel myself into my destiny either.

Yesterday was definitely confirmation that I'm not where I should be, not where I need to be. I announced 4 short weeks ago that this is my year to shine... well right now I'm just a dimly lit bulb. Time to double down on the hand God has given me. No,....more like ALL chips in. I speak ALOT of things over my life; things that I definitely believe because God has already provided for me through his grace. I have faith in God but I'm lacking faith in myself. (That was hard to write). I can't get to where God wants to take me without it. Afterall HE's waiting for me.... and as usual I'm late.

Nefertari, God has not given you the spirit of fear but of POWER and of SOUND MIND. Step out of the boat!