My head hurts...

Ok, 1st let me say coming up with topics for this blog is exhausting. I'm sorry for neglecting her so much. But why did it just hit me that it doesn't matter what the title is, this blog is about me... I'm alive everyday, so how could I not have ample material for it? LOL


Anywho, I recently had a revelation. After 2.5 years of pursuit and $40k in student loans I've decided that I DO NOT want to be a Project Manager. Yup folks, you heard it here first. I've changed my mind, yet again. In fact my inability to remain committed to something that no longer holds my attention is one of the most consistent things of my personality. In other words I get bored easily. My friends and family saw this coming tho. They refer to me as the professional student. Always learning something new.


So why the change? Well I 've been tired of corporate for quite some time. The culture is so not me. I'm not a liar. I keep it real. I'm not a robot. I'm family oriented. And most importantly, I'm loyal to myself and my son. Those qualities have made my path difficult at best in my current and previous jobs. I'm not going to brown nose. I don't want to be in management and I'm not cut out to throw folks in front the bus as a means of self preservation.

All this talk about careers and change makes my head hurt! I mean was growing up optional? Cause this adult stuff hurts, sucks and is messing with my pursuit of happyness. Where is Dr. Conrad Murray when you need him? I sure could use 2 of something right now.

25 Random Things About Me....

1. I AM from Brooklyn, NY! I know you can't tell from my Southern accent.
2. I am not a complicated person.
3. My favorite Seaseme Street character is Grover. It ain't easy being blue!
4. My favorite singer is Mariah Carey. I've seen her in concert and have had the opportunity to meet her.
5. My favorite color is Pink.
6. I write daily in a gratitude journal. I have so much to be thankful for.
7. At night I watch my son sleep. I still can't believe that he is REAL.
8. I miss my grandmother. She raised me and there hasn't been a day since her passing that she hasn't crossed my mind.
9. I voted for George W. Bush in 2000 and 2004. Sad but true.
10. I'm not scared to speak my mind. We are entitled to our opinions so why be scared to express them?
11. I was married for less than a 1 year (not counting the 1 year separation).
12. I have 4 tattoos and have already designed number 5.
13. I miss selling Real Estate full time.
14. I've never been offered or done an illegal drug. And I'd like to keep it that way!
15. This is the 4th Honda Accord that I have owned.
16. I can't stand the following phrases: Baby Momma, Baby Daddy.
17. In elementary school I used to suck my thumb.
18. I love to laugh.
19. Hair is an accessory. I'm not scared to change it up.
20. My favorite meal is spaghetti, meatballs, garlic bread and salad.
21. I can cook! My grandma taught me.
22. I can bake from scratch! Another thing my grandma taught me.
23. I like controlled chaos but can't stand a mess.
24. I used to run 5k's.
25. Yes, I'm tall (5'10") but I don't know how to play basketball.

The Ready-Made Family Syndrome

I recently discovered that I suffer from the ready-made family syndrome. What is that, you may ask. Well, it applies to independent singles mom's who are quite capable of holding things down but are in search of that significant other to make things whole. Or as my friend so insensitively mentioned to me, "You have the house, you have the child and now you're looking to add a man and stir...." Mind you this came from a person that was well aware of the fact that I had accomplished all of these things prior to us embarking on our courtship. It was in that moment that it hit me.... I could be perfect in all areas that he may have on his "list" but because I have a child I'm not the one for him. Just made me want to say C'mon Son, get the fuck outta here with that bullshit! But I digress.


So I ask, single mom's, is this the reason why we aren't being snatched off the market as the HOT commodities we are? Not only are my chances of getting married sharply declining because I'm over 30 and I'm black but now you can add the fact that I'm a mom to that and take me out of the equation. Here is what really pisses me off, I take care of myself because I have to. I have ambition, drive.... yeah you can call me "Miss Independent;" and that is being held against me. I wasn't about to change my standard of living because I had a child. Not all single mom's are living in the PJ's, waiting on their welfare check. Although I wasn't married when I had my child, it wasn't my intent to remain single but things are what they are. Or how about those women that are single mom's because of divorce? I know a number of good women (self included) that are being overlooked just because. Yes, I can do it for myself, buy it for myself, but that doesn't mean that I don't want a man to do it.


If he would have asked for my thoughts on the situation he would have found that I am looking for the missing ingredient in my recipe. Webster's defines the term blend as follows: to mix smoothly and inseparably together. Sure things work ok now as they are, but why settle for ok when you can have SPECTACULAR?? Adding a strong stable man to the equation can only be seen as nothing less than good for our children; even with their biological father is doing his part. I am not interested in adding mediocracy to my recipe.


Now don't get me wrong, dude was totally entitled to have his preference. However, had he been upfront about his uneasiness about entering a relationship with me I wouldn't have wasted my time or his, nor would I be writing this blog. So it appears that a number of lessons have been learned from this situation. Perhaps the most disappointing is the fact that I'm thought of as a packet of kool-aid...

I was not built to break.....

What a week!

Imagine sitting in a room and listening to someone tell you that there are concerns for your child. Concerns that have the potential to affect his development and way of life. That was me last week. I sat in a room with 3 professionals as they explained to me the findings of their recent evaluations. The results: my son shows concerns in the areas of social interaction, speech and language development and sensory development. In short, he exemplifies behavior consistent with Autism.

It felt as though someone had just dropped a ton of bricks on me, like my heart was being shredded to pieces. Not my son! He is a bright, animated little boy... you must have him mistaken. I've been unable to sleep. I think I've cried myself to sleep every night, only to wake up 2 hours later and not be able to fall back asleep. I haven't watched this many re-runs in a minute. I've been withdrawing from the crowd... shut down my facebook page, not taking calls, not answering texts. No desire to eat. No desire to get out of bed.

I was already dealing with some other hurts, and this news just made me question what is the purpose of it all. I know this doesn't sound like a confident Christian but the fact is at the end of the day I'm human. Being a Christian didn't take away my ability to feel. My highest high pales in comparison to this new low. I'm not a fan of suicide and I know better than to turn to alcohol or drugs as a crutch, but in this moment I fully understand how the pressure of life can cause someone to falter.

Romans 8:28 says, "And we KNOW that ALL THINGS work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Really God? My son didn't ask to be here, much less for all this to be handed to him. I am having a hard time believing, seeing or understanding how this is working out for my good. Yes, I am questioning if God is really on my side.... Why is God allowing this to occur to us? Why is God stripping me of everything that I've become comfortable with? Have I become too complacent with my walk? Have I allowed the outside to influence me too much? Or could it be that I am starting to look less like Christ and more like Nefertari?

What is the purpose of going through? It's definitely not so you can come out, because I can guarantee this will not be my last opportunity to go through.

Matthew 28:18-20 "And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, ALL power is given unto me in heaven, and in earth. Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen."

This moment, this experience, this time isn't about me and it isn't about Jackson. It is about God! It has always been about God. A tough pill to swallow but definitely medicine. See God commissioned the believers to go forth and spread the gospel. This is the purpose of being a Christian. And Romans 8:28 reminds us that things will work out for those called according to HIS purpose. So even in my pain, I must not loose sight of the fact that everything that is occuring is because of God's plan.

So in going through I must take away the following: My life is not my own, so how I feel is insignificant. God proves his word by allowing us to be tested (go though). In my pain, in my suffering I can not give up on what GOD has said to me. And lastly who I am to God, I must become.

Going through has nothing to do with me....

Don't push me, I ain't been saved but for a minute...

Well, I've been saved much longer than a minute but I made the committment to live right for real for real about 10 years ago. And yes, it is a challenge. I have always been a shoot it straight, keep it real type of person and unfortunately for me that may involve some cussing. I'm not a sailor or anything like that, but some situations warrant a good stern look you in the face cussing out. I like to hang out with my friends in social settings.... like a club and if the DJ plays my song I will drop it like its hot. I have a child and I wasn't married to his dad. I'm also a fan of alcohol, mainly wine and anything with vodka in it; although I am proud to say that I've been on a drinking fast for about 6 months give or take a recent fall off the wagon. My point is I'm not God or Jesus, I'm Nefertari.

God knew that when he made me that I wasn't going to be perfect so he made some provisions for people like myself. By no means is that permission to dine at the all you can sin buffet, but its definitely not a pass to judge. I'm just talking about me right now, but I'm sure if this were not a soliloquy your story wouldn't be much different from mine. My guess is you're not perfect either. If God wanted perfection he would have created such, thus eliminating the need to send his Son. Even Jesus was tested, in the garden of Gesthamane. He could have chose not to allow himself to be nailed to the cross, but instead in his prayer to his Father he simply said, "Thy will be done." And as a result we all have a chance to go to Heaven.

My point... God wants to use you. Yes, you with all of your imperfections, your drama and your mess. In fact that's exactly the type of person he's looking to have join his team. People with real experiences that have been changed from the inside. Folks that can say, "Even me. He used even me!"

You see, they call it a Christian walk for a reason. It's a journey not a destination. One where you evolve as a person and as a Christian. You start school today but you don't get a degree tomorrow. As in life, God doesn't expect you to become perfect overnight but he definitely expects growth. That is why who I am today is not who I once was and not who I hope to become.

I didn't get the job!

So I recently interviewed with my current manager for my own position and they told me that they had decided to go with an outside candidate. Crazy right? I have been in this position as a contractor for 2 years, so I'm not sure why there was a need to interview an outside candidate much less myself for a job that I already do. It's not like they don't track my progress or meet with me monthly about my stats.

At first I was angry. Like really people, why am I here if you don't think I'm good enough to work full time for your company? But then my anger turned into disappointment. Not disappointment in the company but disappointment in myself. See when I took the position I was told it was temporary but I've been trying to turn a temporary situation into a permanent one. It is no secret that I don't see a longterm future for me at this company. So why do I keep applying for positions here? Maybe I like the torture...

I was blessed with a vision 4 years ago, and was forced off a ledge to pursue it. I enjoyed the ride and was actually beginning to find success when I allowed someone to tell me that I was chasing my tail and needed to get a "REAL" job. I now know that their motivation was fueled by the fact that they weren't able to see their dreams get off the ground. But even knowing that, I'm still here and reality is that I'm scared. I'm scared to fail, scared to shake my life up, scared that I will loose my child. Its paralyzing me. It really has a hold on me.

Why am I allowing this?

Matthew 14:29-31 (New International Version)

"Come," HE said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," HE said, "Why did you doubt?"

I'm having a Peter moment. Actually I'm probably worse off than Peter at this point because I'm scared to get out of the boat. My dreams, my goals, God's vision is the water... and not just any ole puddle of water, we are talking an ocean.

I don't even know how I got to this point....doubting God. I can't use the comfortzone argument because I find NO comfort in coming here everyday. I'm a contractor and at any point they can say to me thanks for your time and service. I don't want to be pushed off the ledge again, but I'm not doing much to propel myself into my destiny either.

Yesterday was definitely confirmation that I'm not where I should be, not where I need to be. I announced 4 short weeks ago that this is my year to shine... well right now I'm just a dimly lit bulb. Time to double down on the hand God has given me. No,....more like ALL chips in. I speak ALOT of things over my life; things that I definitely believe because God has already provided for me through his grace. I have faith in God but I'm lacking faith in myself. (That was hard to write). I can't get to where God wants to take me without it. Afterall HE's waiting for me.... and as usual I'm late.

Nefertari, God has not given you the spirit of fear but of POWER and of SOUND MIND. Step out of the boat!

Love, is patient....

If the weather man says that the temperature outside is 30 degrees, it is definitely cold! If you made an overall grade of 94 in your English class then you definitely passed. Heck, 2+2 will always equal 4. The numbers don't lie. But there are some numbers that were recently released that are particularly troubling to me. 42% of Black women aren't married and 70% of professional Black women aren't married. I just so happen to fall within all 3 of those categories... I'm black, I'm a professional AND I'm single. Does this indicate that all is doomed for my crack at happily ever after?

Why is the world all of sudden interested in black women being single? Relationships and the black woman are booming business these days. It's turned Steve Harvey from a comedian to a "relationship guru". Dr. Phil and Oprah have done shows on it. It has even caught the attention of mainstream media, ABC's Good Morning America and Nightline. All painting us as women without a clue when it comes to selecting a mate. I admit some women are being unrealistic in what they want, making foolish decisions and putting the cart before the horse when it comes to relationships; but I refuse to allow some numbers to determine whether or not I will get married.

I have some confessions: Yes, I used to have a list, and passed up some good dudes because of it. The moment you realize that...life kind of sucks. Yes, I've made some foolish choices and decisions all in the name of love. I call those learning opportunities. And yes, I'm guilty of putting the cart before the horse (i.e. planing the wedding before I even received the proposal, starting the family before the marriage). But all of those experiences allowed me to realize that I'm doing way too much when it comes to relationships. I mean if God knew who I was and what I was going to be before he even formed me in my mother's womb, why wouldn't it work the same for who will be my mate?

What happened to everything in God's time or Lord, THY will be done? We are out here making a mess of things and got the nerve to be upset that we aren't joined at the hip to something that is totally wrong for us. Instead of saying he's a dog, why don't you just admit that you ignored the signs to walk away and got caught up? Or here's a good one.. next time you deny a good man because he doesn't have a degree or because he isn't rough enough around the edges for you, just admit that you let a good man go because of your issues and hangups. I'm not bashing, I'm just saying.

We are all familiar with the Love scripture. It has been read or printed on a program for almost every wedding that I have ever attended, but when was the last time you looked at as more than just a poem?
1st Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV ~ Nefertari's Introspective Version)
Love is patient (it WILL wait on me and I WILL wait for it), love is kind (it has manners and respect for my feelings). It does not envy (won't get mad me because someone else happens to admire me), it does not boast (it won't cause me to put him on blast or vice versa), it is not proud. It is not rude (it won't ignore me, won't say mean things to me, won't say untrue things about me and won't cause me to do any of those things to them), it is not self seeking (GET RID OF THE LIST), it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs (if you forgive them let it go!). Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth (the truth can be painful at times, but there is NEVER a reason to lie). It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (brings a whole new meaning to having someone's back).

Love NEVER fails (pretty self explanatory).

All is not lost. There is a happily ever after for every woman. Question is who's will you choose, yours or God's?