Well, I've been saved much longer than a minute but I made the committment to live right for real for real about 10 years ago. And yes, it is a challenge. I have always been a shoot it straight, keep it real type of person and unfortunately for me that may involve some cussing. I'm not a sailor or anything like that, but some situations warrant a good stern look you in the face cussing out. I like to hang out with my friends in social settings.... like a club and if the DJ plays my song I will drop it like its hot. I have a child and I wasn't married to his dad. I'm also a fan of alcohol, mainly wine and anything with vodka in it; although I am proud to say that I've been on a drinking fast for about 6 months give or take a recent fall off the wagon. My point is I'm not God or Jesus, I'm Nefertari.
God knew that when he made me that I wasn't going to be perfect so he made some provisions for people like myself. By no means is that permission to dine at the all you can sin buffet, but its definitely not a pass to judge. I'm just talking about me right now, but I'm sure if this were not a soliloquy your story wouldn't be much different from mine. My guess is you're not perfect either. If God wanted perfection he would have created such, thus eliminating the need to send his Son. Even Jesus was tested, in the garden of Gesthamane. He could have chose not to allow himself to be nailed to the cross, but instead in his prayer to his Father he simply said, "Thy will be done." And as a result we all have a chance to go to Heaven.
My point... God wants to use you. Yes, you with all of your imperfections, your drama and your mess. In fact that's exactly the type of person he's looking to have join his team. People with real experiences that have been changed from the inside. Folks that can say, "Even me. He used even me!"
You see, they call it a Christian walk for a reason. It's a journey not a destination. One where you evolve as a person and as a Christian. You start school today but you don't get a degree tomorrow. As in life, God doesn't expect you to become perfect overnight but he definitely expects growth. That is why who I am today is not who I once was and not who I hope to become.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I didn't get the job!
So I recently interviewed with my current manager for my own position and they told me that they had decided to go with an outside candidate. Crazy right? I have been in this position as a contractor for 2 years, so I'm not sure why there was a need to interview an outside candidate much less myself for a job that I already do. It's not like they don't track my progress or meet with me monthly about my stats.
At first I was angry. Like really people, why am I here if you don't think I'm good enough to work full time for your company? But then my anger turned into disappointment. Not disappointment in the company but disappointment in myself. See when I took the position I was told it was temporary but I've been trying to turn a temporary situation into a permanent one. It is no secret that I don't see a longterm future for me at this company. So why do I keep applying for positions here? Maybe I like the torture...
I was blessed with a vision 4 years ago, and was forced off a ledge to pursue it. I enjoyed the ride and was actually beginning to find success when I allowed someone to tell me that I was chasing my tail and needed to get a "REAL" job. I now know that their motivation was fueled by the fact that they weren't able to see their dreams get off the ground. But even knowing that, I'm still here and reality is that I'm scared. I'm scared to fail, scared to shake my life up, scared that I will loose my child. Its paralyzing me. It really has a hold on me.
Why am I allowing this?
Matthew 14:29-31 (New International Version)
"Come," HE said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," HE said, "Why did you doubt?"
I'm having a Peter moment. Actually I'm probably worse off than Peter at this point because I'm scared to get out of the boat. My dreams, my goals, God's vision is the water... and not just any ole puddle of water, we are talking an ocean.
I don't even know how I got to this point....doubting God. I can't use the comfortzone argument because I find NO comfort in coming here everyday. I'm a contractor and at any point they can say to me thanks for your time and service. I don't want to be pushed off the ledge again, but I'm not doing much to propel myself into my destiny either.
Yesterday was definitely confirmation that I'm not where I should be, not where I need to be. I announced 4 short weeks ago that this is my year to shine... well right now I'm just a dimly lit bulb. Time to double down on the hand God has given me. No,....more like ALL chips in. I speak ALOT of things over my life; things that I definitely believe because God has already provided for me through his grace. I have faith in God but I'm lacking faith in myself. (That was hard to write). I can't get to where God wants to take me without it. Afterall HE's waiting for me.... and as usual I'm late.
Nefertari, God has not given you the spirit of fear but of POWER and of SOUND MIND. Step out of the boat!
At first I was angry. Like really people, why am I here if you don't think I'm good enough to work full time for your company? But then my anger turned into disappointment. Not disappointment in the company but disappointment in myself. See when I took the position I was told it was temporary but I've been trying to turn a temporary situation into a permanent one. It is no secret that I don't see a longterm future for me at this company. So why do I keep applying for positions here? Maybe I like the torture...
I was blessed with a vision 4 years ago, and was forced off a ledge to pursue it. I enjoyed the ride and was actually beginning to find success when I allowed someone to tell me that I was chasing my tail and needed to get a "REAL" job. I now know that their motivation was fueled by the fact that they weren't able to see their dreams get off the ground. But even knowing that, I'm still here and reality is that I'm scared. I'm scared to fail, scared to shake my life up, scared that I will loose my child. Its paralyzing me. It really has a hold on me.
Why am I allowing this?
Matthew 14:29-31 (New International Version)
"Come," HE said. Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. But when he saw the wind, he was afraid and beginning to sink, cried out, "Lord, save me!" Immediately Jesus reached out his hand and caught him. "You of little faith," HE said, "Why did you doubt?"
I'm having a Peter moment. Actually I'm probably worse off than Peter at this point because I'm scared to get out of the boat. My dreams, my goals, God's vision is the water... and not just any ole puddle of water, we are talking an ocean.
I don't even know how I got to this point....doubting God. I can't use the comfortzone argument because I find NO comfort in coming here everyday. I'm a contractor and at any point they can say to me thanks for your time and service. I don't want to be pushed off the ledge again, but I'm not doing much to propel myself into my destiny either.
Yesterday was definitely confirmation that I'm not where I should be, not where I need to be. I announced 4 short weeks ago that this is my year to shine... well right now I'm just a dimly lit bulb. Time to double down on the hand God has given me. No,....more like ALL chips in. I speak ALOT of things over my life; things that I definitely believe because God has already provided for me through his grace. I have faith in God but I'm lacking faith in myself. (That was hard to write). I can't get to where God wants to take me without it. Afterall HE's waiting for me.... and as usual I'm late.
Nefertari, God has not given you the spirit of fear but of POWER and of SOUND MIND. Step out of the boat!
Monday, January 25, 2010
Love, is patient....
If the weather man says that the temperature outside is 30 degrees, it is definitely cold! If you made an overall grade of 94 in your English class then you definitely passed. Heck, 2+2 will always equal 4. The numbers don't lie. But there are some numbers that were recently released that are particularly troubling to me. 42% of Black women aren't married and 70% of professional Black women aren't married. I just so happen to fall within all 3 of those categories... I'm black, I'm a professional AND I'm single. Does this indicate that all is doomed for my crack at happily ever after?
Why is the world all of sudden interested in black women being single? Relationships and the black woman are booming business these days. It's turned Steve Harvey from a comedian to a "relationship guru". Dr. Phil and Oprah have done shows on it. It has even caught the attention of mainstream media, ABC's Good Morning America and Nightline. All painting us as women without a clue when it comes to selecting a mate. I admit some women are being unrealistic in what they want, making foolish decisions and putting the cart before the horse when it comes to relationships; but I refuse to allow some numbers to determine whether or not I will get married.
I have some confessions: Yes, I used to have a list, and passed up some good dudes because of it. The moment you realize that...life kind of sucks. Yes, I've made some foolish choices and decisions all in the name of love. I call those learning opportunities. And yes, I'm guilty of putting the cart before the horse (i.e. planing the wedding before I even received the proposal, starting the family before the marriage). But all of those experiences allowed me to realize that I'm doing way too much when it comes to relationships. I mean if God knew who I was and what I was going to be before he even formed me in my mother's womb, why wouldn't it work the same for who will be my mate?
What happened to everything in God's time or Lord, THY will be done? We are out here making a mess of things and got the nerve to be upset that we aren't joined at the hip to something that is totally wrong for us. Instead of saying he's a dog, why don't you just admit that you ignored the signs to walk away and got caught up? Or here's a good one.. next time you deny a good man because he doesn't have a degree or because he isn't rough enough around the edges for you, just admit that you let a good man go because of your issues and hangups. I'm not bashing, I'm just saying.
We are all familiar with the Love scripture. It has been read or printed on a program for almost every wedding that I have ever attended, but when was the last time you looked at as more than just a poem?
1st Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV ~ Nefertari's Introspective Version)
Love is patient (it WILL wait on me and I WILL wait for it), love is kind (it has manners and respect for my feelings). It does not envy (won't get mad me because someone else happens to admire me), it does not boast (it won't cause me to put him on blast or vice versa), it is not proud. It is not rude (it won't ignore me, won't say mean things to me, won't say untrue things about me and won't cause me to do any of those things to them), it is not self seeking (GET RID OF THE LIST), it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs (if you forgive them let it go!). Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth (the truth can be painful at times, but there is NEVER a reason to lie). It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (brings a whole new meaning to having someone's back).
Love NEVER fails (pretty self explanatory).
All is not lost. There is a happily ever after for every woman. Question is who's will you choose, yours or God's?
Why is the world all of sudden interested in black women being single? Relationships and the black woman are booming business these days. It's turned Steve Harvey from a comedian to a "relationship guru". Dr. Phil and Oprah have done shows on it. It has even caught the attention of mainstream media, ABC's Good Morning America and Nightline. All painting us as women without a clue when it comes to selecting a mate. I admit some women are being unrealistic in what they want, making foolish decisions and putting the cart before the horse when it comes to relationships; but I refuse to allow some numbers to determine whether or not I will get married.
I have some confessions: Yes, I used to have a list, and passed up some good dudes because of it. The moment you realize that...life kind of sucks. Yes, I've made some foolish choices and decisions all in the name of love. I call those learning opportunities. And yes, I'm guilty of putting the cart before the horse (i.e. planing the wedding before I even received the proposal, starting the family before the marriage). But all of those experiences allowed me to realize that I'm doing way too much when it comes to relationships. I mean if God knew who I was and what I was going to be before he even formed me in my mother's womb, why wouldn't it work the same for who will be my mate?
What happened to everything in God's time or Lord, THY will be done? We are out here making a mess of things and got the nerve to be upset that we aren't joined at the hip to something that is totally wrong for us. Instead of saying he's a dog, why don't you just admit that you ignored the signs to walk away and got caught up? Or here's a good one.. next time you deny a good man because he doesn't have a degree or because he isn't rough enough around the edges for you, just admit that you let a good man go because of your issues and hangups. I'm not bashing, I'm just saying.
We are all familiar with the Love scripture. It has been read or printed on a program for almost every wedding that I have ever attended, but when was the last time you looked at as more than just a poem?
1st Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV ~ Nefertari's Introspective Version)
Love is patient (it WILL wait on me and I WILL wait for it), love is kind (it has manners and respect for my feelings). It does not envy (won't get mad me because someone else happens to admire me), it does not boast (it won't cause me to put him on blast or vice versa), it is not proud. It is not rude (it won't ignore me, won't say mean things to me, won't say untrue things about me and won't cause me to do any of those things to them), it is not self seeking (GET RID OF THE LIST), it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs (if you forgive them let it go!). Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth (the truth can be painful at times, but there is NEVER a reason to lie). It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres (brings a whole new meaning to having someone's back).
Love NEVER fails (pretty self explanatory).
All is not lost. There is a happily ever after for every woman. Question is who's will you choose, yours or God's?
Saturday, January 2, 2010
2010: My Shining Moment
Well, we have been blessed enough to make it to see a new year! And with that, the dawning of endless possibilities and resolutions. This year I resolve to stop resolving. I mean let's be truthful... it hasn't worked in the past 20-something years. It's broke, so I'm fixing it!
Where did that tradition begin? Everyone is all gung ho about loosing weight, starting a business or stopping a bad habit on January 1 but sometimes by as early as January 15th they've thrown in the towel. The feeling of defeat and failure is so crippling that many don't even attempt to go after their goals until the following January 1st. I've allowed this to happen to me many times. However this time I have a word for failure, fear and everything that attempts to stand in between me and God's destiny.
I'm making a bold declaration. Jesus said that I am to be the light of the world and dog gone it I intend on shining in 2010. My goals weren't chosen haphazardly. They were implanted in me by God; much in the same manner that he commissioned Mary to be the mother of Jesus. Check this out...
Luke 1: 28 - 31, NIV (Nefertari's Introspective Version)
The angel went to Nefertari and said, "Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you." I was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting might this be. But the angel said to me, "Do not be afraid, Nefertari, you have found favor with God. You will have a dream, it will come to pass, and it will be called WONDERFUL by God."
Yes, I sure did put MY name in the scripture and... NO I'm not delusional or schizophrenic. God has a plan for my life the same way he had a plan for Mary's life. In fact no one is excluded. Therefore the day of the year is irrelevant. If God has blessed me with the gift of life, one more day, then the least I can do is bless God by using that day to pursue the dream he has given to me.
God's favor didn't end with the book of Revelation, or December 31st of the previous year for that matter. Today is merely a continuation of what he was doing yesterday. Another opportunity to live out your purpose in God... shine your light. An opportunity that should be seized daily.. not as part of a New Year's declaration.
In 2010, I intend on getting my SHINE on! Pardon me if my light is too bright.
Where did that tradition begin? Everyone is all gung ho about loosing weight, starting a business or stopping a bad habit on January 1 but sometimes by as early as January 15th they've thrown in the towel. The feeling of defeat and failure is so crippling that many don't even attempt to go after their goals until the following January 1st. I've allowed this to happen to me many times. However this time I have a word for failure, fear and everything that attempts to stand in between me and God's destiny.
I'm making a bold declaration. Jesus said that I am to be the light of the world and dog gone it I intend on shining in 2010. My goals weren't chosen haphazardly. They were implanted in me by God; much in the same manner that he commissioned Mary to be the mother of Jesus. Check this out...
Luke 1: 28 - 31, NIV (Nefertari's Introspective Version)
The angel went to Nefertari and said, "Greetings, you who are highly favored! The Lord is with you." I was greatly troubled at his words and wondered what kind of greeting might this be. But the angel said to me, "Do not be afraid, Nefertari, you have found favor with God. You will have a dream, it will come to pass, and it will be called WONDERFUL by God."
Yes, I sure did put MY name in the scripture and... NO I'm not delusional or schizophrenic. God has a plan for my life the same way he had a plan for Mary's life. In fact no one is excluded. Therefore the day of the year is irrelevant. If God has blessed me with the gift of life, one more day, then the least I can do is bless God by using that day to pursue the dream he has given to me.
God's favor didn't end with the book of Revelation, or December 31st of the previous year for that matter. Today is merely a continuation of what he was doing yesterday. Another opportunity to live out your purpose in God... shine your light. An opportunity that should be seized daily.. not as part of a New Year's declaration.
In 2010, I intend on getting my SHINE on! Pardon me if my light is too bright.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
December 3rd
The date is engraved in my mind like it is on her tombstone. She went to a better place and left a hole in my heart as a result. Psychology teaches that there are 5 stages to grief; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. However, no one ever said that once you reach acceptance that you won't start the process all over again. There isn't a day that she does not cross my mind... Not 1!!!! Today is the 2nd anniversary of her passing, and I am in the depressed stage. I accept that she is in a better place, therefore I am not angry about it. I will not deny that this is painful or bargain with God for a different result. Instead it saddens me that all I have left are memories and pictures. And on days like today those just aren't enough. I can't pick up the phone and tell her about whatever new discovery Jackson made today in school. I can't ask her to walk me through her banana pudding recipe. No more parenting advice or words of inspiration. She was my biggest fan. There was NO obstacle that she didn't believe that I could remove. She took pride in my greatest accomplishment, Jackson, as though it were her own. I knew that she was proud of me, but somehow I always feel as though I failed her. I had so many other dreams I wanted her to witness and be a part of. What do you do to move on? Will I ever have peace? Am I being selfish? Even as I write this, my eyes are heavy with tears. I'm fighting to keep them in so instead I feel an ache in my chest as a result. If I could only snap my fingers, click my heels, get in a machine and travel back in time to be with her...
And there are times that I wonder, how painful was it for her to know that she was preparing to leave her family; the life that she spent 81 years becoming accostumed to. Long before she drifted into an eternal sleep, she knew that the hands on her clock of life were about to stop. There would be no battery to replace, no dial to turn that would allow her to start where she had left off. And yet, even then she thought of us. A slow goodbye. She would have it no other way. Surrounded by us... taking shifts... And in the end, she must have believed in her heart or hearts that we would be ok. That we would adjust to life without her. She poured all of her love into her family and prayed that it would be more than enough.
She was more than my grandmother. She was my mother, my mentor, my best friend, my homie, my ace, my ride or die, Superwoman. In Nefertari there are traces of Ruby. Her legacy, her grace and sometimes her strength live in me. But today, I just long to have her here, with me. Today, I'm a girl that misses her granny. Maybe tomorrow I can be a strong woman.....
And there are times that I wonder, how painful was it for her to know that she was preparing to leave her family; the life that she spent 81 years becoming accostumed to. Long before she drifted into an eternal sleep, she knew that the hands on her clock of life were about to stop. There would be no battery to replace, no dial to turn that would allow her to start where she had left off. And yet, even then she thought of us. A slow goodbye. She would have it no other way. Surrounded by us... taking shifts... And in the end, she must have believed in her heart or hearts that we would be ok. That we would adjust to life without her. She poured all of her love into her family and prayed that it would be more than enough.
She was more than my grandmother. She was my mother, my mentor, my best friend, my homie, my ace, my ride or die, Superwoman. In Nefertari there are traces of Ruby. Her legacy, her grace and sometimes her strength live in me. But today, I just long to have her here, with me. Today, I'm a girl that misses her granny. Maybe tomorrow I can be a strong woman.....
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