That awkward moment when....

America, can I share a recent text convo with you?

Him: Morning.
Me: Good Morning, how r u?
Him: Im good. Hadnt talk 2 u in a while... u been busy?
Me: Yeah. School, work, you know the drill.
Him: Well Im sure ur not that busy that u cant call or text every now and again.
Me: This is true, but u havent reached out to me either.... u know the saying, out of sight out of mind
Him: So r u telling me that i dont cross ur mind...
Me: Well if i didnt reach out to you then that is a reasonable conclusion to draw :)

Ok, you're right America, I should've left the smiley off the end of my comment but he took it there when he made the comment about me being too busy to contact him. Like really dude? Your vagina is showing. I don't owe any man an explanation as to why I didn't call or text, but when asked I may be obliged to respond in my unmistakably blunt honest fashion.

Look America, I'm a girl that likes the chase.... or at least the illusion of one. If you are not showing me that you are interested, then why should I be the only one making contact? I reciprocate what I'm getting and in this case dude wasn't putting forth any effort. And just like men like to remind us there are PLENTY of women who will give them what I won't; allow me to let you in on a little secret, this works in the reverse. I've said it before, and I will say it again because I believe it, I'm an attractive female so getting a date ain't a problem.

Just like unemployment, thirst levels out here are at an all time high. In other words, it's a singles market. So let's review the rules of engagment:

1. Taking me out and paying for a date doesn't make US anything. If I don't say thank you feel free to talk mad shit about me.


2. If I don't respond to your text immediately, it could be because I'm not sitting with the phone in my hand looking at the clock wondering why you haven't contacted me today.


3. If I haven't responded to a text, call or email from you in days.... it's a wrap. Move on, it's a singles market outchea!


4. Having sex with you doesn't make US anything. We not in a relationship, and I am not your personal ho. Feel free to talk mad shit about me if you weren't impressed but don't contact me to do it again! If I don't contact you to do it again move on, it's a singles market outchea!


5. Ain't nothing wrong with making your intentions clear but don't start trying to occupy ALL of my free time and get all clingy. Ewwwwww.......


6. Don't send me no doggone facebook request. We ain't anything.


7. And the most import rule of them all: I am single, therefore I will see other people. You should try it too because it's a singles market outchea!

Following these simple rules in the world according to Nef will help one to avoid that awkward moment when....

Why are you still single?

So America, I'm back in this dating game... kinda sorta. I've decided to try something entirely new for me, online dating. So far, not so great. I'm already on my second site and can I say I don't want to go on anymore 1st dates!

What's the problem Nef? Well firstly America, I'm sad to report that some of you are dumb as a doorknob. You can't spell, you don't know the difference between their, there and they're, and when you open your (not you're) mouth to speak you further reinforce my belief that many of y'all (i.e. you all) barely graduated from High School.

Secondly, not only do yall not know how to write but you apparently can't read either. I spend time creating a profile that gives you insight on who I am and what do you end up saying in your initial message to me: "Tell me about yourself." Then we go on the infamous first date only for you to ask me again to tell you about myself.... I mean I know I can be a little self absorbed but how enthusiatic do you expect me to be when answering this question for a third time???

Which brings me to my last thought, why do men generally say the following: "You're beautiful, seem to have it together and are on the up and up, so why are you still single?" Is that a compliment or an insult. Does being single mean that I'm damaged goods? Are beautiful people not allowed to be single? I tell you that damned Halle Berry with her 2 divorces is to blame for this!

*Sigh*

Fightin' Words....

Welp America, I'm back in the single column. I know, a shocking surprise right? Don't answer that...

Mr. Carpricorn and I were hanging in there until the smoke cleared and the representative stop showing up. America you know what I'm talking about. When you first start dating someone they are always on time, say ALL the right things, and make ALL the right moves. They basically sell you a bill of goods and suck you in. Then one day the real person behind the representative shows up. Sometimes this person is just as good as the representative, but most of the time when you open the box you find a brick instead of the tv you thought you purchased on the low low from Hustle Man. And the moment you realize that you've been got, hoodwinked, bamboozled, etc.... the first thing you ask yourself is, "How in tha hell did I not see this coming?" The writing was always on the wall but hindsight is as clear as a mutha....

Ok, so what happened Nef? Dude broke the cardinal rule, he tried to offer some "constructive criticism" on how I communicate with the Boy. And you know I got all sista girl like, rolling my neck, hands on my hips "Oh no he didn't" on his ass right?

Back story: Jax and I were getting ready for school/work. In typical 4 year old fashion, Jax felt that 7 am on a random morning was the best time to assert himself and demand that I let allow him to wear the green long sleeve shirt instead of the green short sleeve shirt. *In other words we were yelling at the top of our lungs over a damn shirt at 7 in the morning*

Here is a dramatic interpretation of the conversation that took place:

Capricorn: This morning when you and Jax were getting ready for your day, y'all were kind of loud. Why do you allow him to yell like that.
Me: Because he is 4, and it is age appropriate. He is finding his independence.
Capricorn: Well, I think it's unneccesary. You should have just told him to put the shirt on, or got the belt out.
Me: It wasn't that serious. I'm not going to whoop him over a shirt. That just ain't the battle I care about.
Capricorn: See it's stuff like this I don't get. The boy is a spoiled brat
Me: *Cutting him off in mid sentence* Thanks for your unsolicited opinion, this conversation is over.
Capricorn: See this is the shit I'm talking about. You're not even willing to listen to what's wrong. If I'm going to be the man in y'alls life I think its time I start expressing what's on my mind. Something has got to change, that boy has too much authority.
Me: You are absolutely right, something has got to change and I'm willing to put all the money that I have in my name that it won't be the dynamic duo known as Nef n Jax.

Lesson learned: When some shows you who they are, believe them ~ Maya Angelou

Simply complex.....

Simple, as defined by Webster's dictionary, is an adjective that means not elaborate, plain, easy to understand, deal with or use. Complex, the antonymn of simple is defined as complicated, difficult to understand or deal with.

What brings us to this lesson in language arts today? Well I've recently ventured back into the world of dating *Cue the applause.* And in a recent conversation with Mr. Capricorn he told me that while he is enjoying getting to know me, he thought of me as a complex person. When a person uses the word complex to describe you, should it be regarded as an insult? I know he said complex but what I heard was "you're difficult." As I attempted to convince him that I was not difficult he hit me with the, "Nef, you're overthinking what I said." Damn! I've been exposed early in the game. I mean check me out, I'm up here looking up definitions of words for crying out loud. Not to mention I'm taking it a step further and blogging about it as if my name were Carrie Bradshaw and I were writing a relationship column entitled Sex and the City.

I have to give it to Mr. Capricorn, he's right. I do have a tendency to overthink, and this is more than likely one of those times. I've allowed the complex to overtake me. If I'm not facebooking about my life then I'm tweeting about it, blogging about it and replaying scenes in my mind. When did transparency turn into an obsession of self? I don't want to be overly absorbed but I'm definitely not simple or plain either. I'm designed for a complement, not a condiment.

Is Mr. Capricorn complementary? He's definitely simple in comparison to me. He isn't on any social networking sites. He has a smart phone but doesn't have any apps downloaded. When he wants to talk to me he actually picks up the phone and dials my number verses sending a text. Hell, he still utilizes the postal service to mail bills. Definitely my opposite. Guess I shall find out....

My Superhero!

He isn't able to jump over tall buildings in a single leap or run faster than a speeding train. You would think from the way he dives off the couch or bed into a stack of pillows that he could at least fly. But to be honest he just learned how to use the words YES and NO appropriately when answering questions. He is the 3 year old that lights my life up and truly emodies the word LOVE for me. He is Jackson Avery, Mommie's Baby and he is my hero!

A little over one year ago he was barely talking. Unable to verbalize his thoughts, he began to allow his world to close in around him. He was too scared to get in the tub for a bath, fixated with his fork and spoon and withdrawn from friends at school. It was literally breaking my heart. How could I reach him and was I too late? A diagnosis came in May, Jackson was highly functioning on the Austism Spectrum. My knees grew weak, a lump developed in my throat and uncontrollable tears in my eyes but a determination like I've never had, to go retrieve my son from this dark hole he decided to climb in, came over me.

We've all heard the cliche from parents that they would go through hell and brimstone for their children, well here was my first test. My decision to be a single parent was going through its biggest test. Would autism cause me to regret that very decision?

In just 10 days Jackson will turn 4 years old. I remember the 5 hours of labor like it was yesterday. I'm just as excited about 4 as I was about is pending arrival. That little boy means the absolute world to me and the only regret I have is questioning the right decision. Autism is an adversity that teaches me more about myself than of Jackson. Afterall, he isn't aware of limits and that is perfectly ok with me because I want him to live a life without limits and beyond boundaries.

2011: Rebuild Me

Raise your hand if you, like me, will not miss 2010 in the least! I came out the blocks boldy proclaiming that 2010 was going to be my shining moment. I was going to let my light shine so bright that you would know that I'm a Christian without even having to ask me. Welp, I'm sad that I have to admit, I failed....miserably. My flame dimmed quickly and what we have in the after math is a broken, damaged, bruised and hurt Nefertari.


America, can I take a moment to be transparent?


I was really ready and excited about 2010, until the tests came.


Damaged:
This came in the form of a break up. It wasn't so much the break up that bothered me as much as him moving on did. The relationship, for all intensive purposes, had been over for some time. I was stuck somewhere between complacency and fear. I'd grown accustomed to the fact that he was always there but knew deep down inside we weren't growing.... too many unforgiven hurts, uttered insults, and no peace within. God removed an obstacle and I put it back! Lied to myself by allowing myself to believe that we could be friends. *See how we invite the enemy back in* I just couldn't understand why he got to move on and be happy while I stayed stuck in my pain and pity. I never really gave God a chance to complete the transformation He began. And you gotta love God for sitting back and allowing us to "fix" things our way. Lord forgive me for not leaving this in your hands.


Broken:
In February my son went through a series of evaluations because his teachers were concerned about his cognitive and social growth. Those tests lead to further tests and in May he was officially diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. This was devastating.... well, to me. In my mind, it was like his life was over before it had even started. The world is a cold place to individuals who are differently-abled, even down to the way they categorize them. Disabled: (adj.) crippled, injured, incapcitated. Jackson does not fit either of those descriptions. See in the moment that I heard the word Autism I ceased to believe in God's promise in Romans 8:28. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." See Austism isn't about me or Jackson, its about God. God is going to work something awesome out of this situation, and I allowed the world to tell me otherwise. Lord forgive me for not believing in you.

Bruised:
In January, I interviewed for a full time opportunity to do the job that I had been doing for 2 years as a contractor. I was denied the position. Talk about being pissed. I was good enough to do the job for 2 years but not good enough to get some benefits???? In May they abruptly ended my contract on a Friday afternoon at 2pm. Truth be told, I'm still a little salty about it. No warning, no apology, no thanks for your hard work. But here is the thing about that, when I first took the job it was for a 6 month contract. It was always a temporary situation, and I held on trying to make it something permanent. I should have spent that time nurturing my dream and preparing for take off but I didn't.

Peculiar thing, within 2 weeks of leaving I had 2 job offers. One would have allowed me to move out of state but I was scared. Scared to take the job because I was scared of going somewhere and it just being Jackson and I, scared that the salary wouldn't be sufficient enough and scared that no other doors would open up for me. So I took the local job, and needless to say I'm miserable here. I recently found out that my pay is going to be cut by $4k per year, should I choose to continue employment. So the reason I decided to stay is now the reason why I can't afford to stay. *Yea, I don't care if they're reading this blog* And I'm gonna keep it real, I feel like I'm being punished by God for being disobedient. When I got the relocation job something in the pit of my stomach told me to take it. I definitely had a Peter moment. God was sending me, and I didn't go because I was scared of the unknown. Lord forgive me for doubting you.

Hurt:
While I was busy not leaving matters in God's hands, not believing in God and doubting his plan for my life I was also not patiently waiting for God to send me the man he has designed for me. It's no secret that I have had, what I believe to be, more than my fair share of horrible dating experiences this past year. More than I've actually had a chance to write about to be honest. And as recent as this week my pitfalls in dating actually had me asking myself the following: What the hell is wrong with me???? It's got to be me. I've got to be the reason why I haven't landed Mr. Right yet... right? NOT! The reason why I haven't met him yet is because God hasn't sent him. Love is patient, Nef.... not so much. And yet again, God sits back and allows me to make a mess of my life. I actually think he's getting a good laugh out of it too. Lord forgive me for not waiting on you.

For the Broken - Rebuild Me
For the Damaged - Rebuild Me
For the Bruised - Rebuild Me
For the Hurt - Rebuild Me
I'm standing with all I know. With no where else to go. I'm standing in the need of prayer. If you hear me, Lord please let me know that you're there. Come and fix me! If you don't do it, it won't get done. Forgive me for what I've done. Rebuild Me. ~ James Moss

The Common Denominator

I am officially soliciting the counsel of you America! I need therapy but can't afford to sit on the couch of a true professional. So shall we talk...

How does a girl like me keep attracting the idiots I've gone out with over the last year? Is there an overflow of busters in Charlotte, NC? I've been going on TONS of dates but I'm interested in quality not quantity. I guess it's time to take a look at the common denominator in all of this *queues the music... dun dun dunnnnnn* ME!

I'm not saying that I'm the problem however, I can't deny that I am the universal link. So in my quest to determine the issue a male acquaintance gave an unsolicitated explanation. I apparently suffer from the angry black woman syndrome. Actually allow me to quote him, "You really need to work on your attitude! It's gotten worse over the past few weeks." Can you believe it America, me having a nasty attitude? I know, at first I was appauled too. In fact I was almost apologetic but my lips wouldn't allow me to utter any regrets. So there I stood, in shock about being accused of having a bad attitude. And as if that news wasn't painful enough to hear, dude told me to go home and "reflect on said attitude."

Well America I did go home and reflect on said attitude, and you know what conclusion I was able to come to... Ninja Please, you must not know bout me! Somewhere along the line mofos have gotten the game all twisted. I'm under NO obligation to be nice to any man especially if I'm getting half ass attempts from him in the area of courting. Allow me to elaborate.... I'm the woman, I don't chase. I may initiate a convo or ask a man out on a PSEUDO date (coffee, ice cream, etc.) but that is purely for the purpose of letting him know that I am interested. If he wants my attention it is his job to get it and keep it. If all he does is consistently invite me over to his place to chill, as opposed to taking me on a REAL date or everytime we talk its about us performing some type of sex act that is a part of his sexual fantasy then guess what... I'm going to have some sort of attitude. I am a very warm and inviting person, but if I'm giving attitude it's because I've lost interest. I can't possibly take any man serious if he isn't interested in getting to know Nefertari.

I'm confident about who I am, what I want and what I have to offer. This ain't a game to me. I reserve the right to be selective because what I have ain't for everybody.

So America what did I learn from this situation? I'm definitely not the reason why this mofo is single.