Simply complex.....

Simple, as defined by Webster's dictionary, is an adjective that means not elaborate, plain, easy to understand, deal with or use. Complex, the antonymn of simple is defined as complicated, difficult to understand or deal with.

What brings us to this lesson in language arts today? Well I've recently ventured back into the world of dating *Cue the applause.* And in a recent conversation with Mr. Capricorn he told me that while he is enjoying getting to know me, he thought of me as a complex person. When a person uses the word complex to describe you, should it be regarded as an insult? I know he said complex but what I heard was "you're difficult." As I attempted to convince him that I was not difficult he hit me with the, "Nef, you're overthinking what I said." Damn! I've been exposed early in the game. I mean check me out, I'm up here looking up definitions of words for crying out loud. Not to mention I'm taking it a step further and blogging about it as if my name were Carrie Bradshaw and I were writing a relationship column entitled Sex and the City.

I have to give it to Mr. Capricorn, he's right. I do have a tendency to overthink, and this is more than likely one of those times. I've allowed the complex to overtake me. If I'm not facebooking about my life then I'm tweeting about it, blogging about it and replaying scenes in my mind. When did transparency turn into an obsession of self? I don't want to be overly absorbed but I'm definitely not simple or plain either. I'm designed for a complement, not a condiment.

Is Mr. Capricorn complementary? He's definitely simple in comparison to me. He isn't on any social networking sites. He has a smart phone but doesn't have any apps downloaded. When he wants to talk to me he actually picks up the phone and dials my number verses sending a text. Hell, he still utilizes the postal service to mail bills. Definitely my opposite. Guess I shall find out....

My Superhero!

He isn't able to jump over tall buildings in a single leap or run faster than a speeding train. You would think from the way he dives off the couch or bed into a stack of pillows that he could at least fly. But to be honest he just learned how to use the words YES and NO appropriately when answering questions. He is the 3 year old that lights my life up and truly emodies the word LOVE for me. He is Jackson Avery, Mommie's Baby and he is my hero!

A little over one year ago he was barely talking. Unable to verbalize his thoughts, he began to allow his world to close in around him. He was too scared to get in the tub for a bath, fixated with his fork and spoon and withdrawn from friends at school. It was literally breaking my heart. How could I reach him and was I too late? A diagnosis came in May, Jackson was highly functioning on the Austism Spectrum. My knees grew weak, a lump developed in my throat and uncontrollable tears in my eyes but a determination like I've never had, to go retrieve my son from this dark hole he decided to climb in, came over me.

We've all heard the cliche from parents that they would go through hell and brimstone for their children, well here was my first test. My decision to be a single parent was going through its biggest test. Would autism cause me to regret that very decision?

In just 10 days Jackson will turn 4 years old. I remember the 5 hours of labor like it was yesterday. I'm just as excited about 4 as I was about is pending arrival. That little boy means the absolute world to me and the only regret I have is questioning the right decision. Autism is an adversity that teaches me more about myself than of Jackson. Afterall, he isn't aware of limits and that is perfectly ok with me because I want him to live a life without limits and beyond boundaries.

2011: Rebuild Me

Raise your hand if you, like me, will not miss 2010 in the least! I came out the blocks boldy proclaiming that 2010 was going to be my shining moment. I was going to let my light shine so bright that you would know that I'm a Christian without even having to ask me. Welp, I'm sad that I have to admit, I failed....miserably. My flame dimmed quickly and what we have in the after math is a broken, damaged, bruised and hurt Nefertari.


America, can I take a moment to be transparent?


I was really ready and excited about 2010, until the tests came.


Damaged:
This came in the form of a break up. It wasn't so much the break up that bothered me as much as him moving on did. The relationship, for all intensive purposes, had been over for some time. I was stuck somewhere between complacency and fear. I'd grown accustomed to the fact that he was always there but knew deep down inside we weren't growing.... too many unforgiven hurts, uttered insults, and no peace within. God removed an obstacle and I put it back! Lied to myself by allowing myself to believe that we could be friends. *See how we invite the enemy back in* I just couldn't understand why he got to move on and be happy while I stayed stuck in my pain and pity. I never really gave God a chance to complete the transformation He began. And you gotta love God for sitting back and allowing us to "fix" things our way. Lord forgive me for not leaving this in your hands.


Broken:
In February my son went through a series of evaluations because his teachers were concerned about his cognitive and social growth. Those tests lead to further tests and in May he was officially diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. This was devastating.... well, to me. In my mind, it was like his life was over before it had even started. The world is a cold place to individuals who are differently-abled, even down to the way they categorize them. Disabled: (adj.) crippled, injured, incapcitated. Jackson does not fit either of those descriptions. See in the moment that I heard the word Autism I ceased to believe in God's promise in Romans 8:28. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." See Austism isn't about me or Jackson, its about God. God is going to work something awesome out of this situation, and I allowed the world to tell me otherwise. Lord forgive me for not believing in you.

Bruised:
In January, I interviewed for a full time opportunity to do the job that I had been doing for 2 years as a contractor. I was denied the position. Talk about being pissed. I was good enough to do the job for 2 years but not good enough to get some benefits???? In May they abruptly ended my contract on a Friday afternoon at 2pm. Truth be told, I'm still a little salty about it. No warning, no apology, no thanks for your hard work. But here is the thing about that, when I first took the job it was for a 6 month contract. It was always a temporary situation, and I held on trying to make it something permanent. I should have spent that time nurturing my dream and preparing for take off but I didn't.

Peculiar thing, within 2 weeks of leaving I had 2 job offers. One would have allowed me to move out of state but I was scared. Scared to take the job because I was scared of going somewhere and it just being Jackson and I, scared that the salary wouldn't be sufficient enough and scared that no other doors would open up for me. So I took the local job, and needless to say I'm miserable here. I recently found out that my pay is going to be cut by $4k per year, should I choose to continue employment. So the reason I decided to stay is now the reason why I can't afford to stay. *Yea, I don't care if they're reading this blog* And I'm gonna keep it real, I feel like I'm being punished by God for being disobedient. When I got the relocation job something in the pit of my stomach told me to take it. I definitely had a Peter moment. God was sending me, and I didn't go because I was scared of the unknown. Lord forgive me for doubting you.

Hurt:
While I was busy not leaving matters in God's hands, not believing in God and doubting his plan for my life I was also not patiently waiting for God to send me the man he has designed for me. It's no secret that I have had, what I believe to be, more than my fair share of horrible dating experiences this past year. More than I've actually had a chance to write about to be honest. And as recent as this week my pitfalls in dating actually had me asking myself the following: What the hell is wrong with me???? It's got to be me. I've got to be the reason why I haven't landed Mr. Right yet... right? NOT! The reason why I haven't met him yet is because God hasn't sent him. Love is patient, Nef.... not so much. And yet again, God sits back and allows me to make a mess of my life. I actually think he's getting a good laugh out of it too. Lord forgive me for not waiting on you.

For the Broken - Rebuild Me
For the Damaged - Rebuild Me
For the Bruised - Rebuild Me
For the Hurt - Rebuild Me
I'm standing with all I know. With no where else to go. I'm standing in the need of prayer. If you hear me, Lord please let me know that you're there. Come and fix me! If you don't do it, it won't get done. Forgive me for what I've done. Rebuild Me. ~ James Moss

The Common Denominator

I am officially soliciting the counsel of you America! I need therapy but can't afford to sit on the couch of a true professional. So shall we talk...

How does a girl like me keep attracting the idiots I've gone out with over the last year? Is there an overflow of busters in Charlotte, NC? I've been going on TONS of dates but I'm interested in quality not quantity. I guess it's time to take a look at the common denominator in all of this *queues the music... dun dun dunnnnnn* ME!

I'm not saying that I'm the problem however, I can't deny that I am the universal link. So in my quest to determine the issue a male acquaintance gave an unsolicitated explanation. I apparently suffer from the angry black woman syndrome. Actually allow me to quote him, "You really need to work on your attitude! It's gotten worse over the past few weeks." Can you believe it America, me having a nasty attitude? I know, at first I was appauled too. In fact I was almost apologetic but my lips wouldn't allow me to utter any regrets. So there I stood, in shock about being accused of having a bad attitude. And as if that news wasn't painful enough to hear, dude told me to go home and "reflect on said attitude."

Well America I did go home and reflect on said attitude, and you know what conclusion I was able to come to... Ninja Please, you must not know bout me! Somewhere along the line mofos have gotten the game all twisted. I'm under NO obligation to be nice to any man especially if I'm getting half ass attempts from him in the area of courting. Allow me to elaborate.... I'm the woman, I don't chase. I may initiate a convo or ask a man out on a PSEUDO date (coffee, ice cream, etc.) but that is purely for the purpose of letting him know that I am interested. If he wants my attention it is his job to get it and keep it. If all he does is consistently invite me over to his place to chill, as opposed to taking me on a REAL date or everytime we talk its about us performing some type of sex act that is a part of his sexual fantasy then guess what... I'm going to have some sort of attitude. I am a very warm and inviting person, but if I'm giving attitude it's because I've lost interest. I can't possibly take any man serious if he isn't interested in getting to know Nefertari.

I'm confident about who I am, what I want and what I have to offer. This ain't a game to me. I reserve the right to be selective because what I have ain't for everybody.

So America what did I learn from this situation? I'm definitely not the reason why this mofo is single.

Operation Relocation

#OperationRelocation


If you follow me on twitter you already know what the above hashtag is about. Despite the fact that Charlotte has been my home for over 20 years (by the way I'm only 22 *wink wink*), I am homesick. I'm originally from Brooklyn, NY and moved down here with my grandparents in 1989. Both of my grandparents have since passed and other than my son I don't have any family here. Home is where the heart is, and my heart is with my family but I have to be honest moving back to NY is a pseudo desire. I just want to spend time with my family, I don't really want to raise my child there, live in an overpriced apartment in a high rise building, deal with alternate side of the street parking M-F, or ride public transportation because the cost of parking in the city is sky high. Nope, I just really want to spend time with my loved ones regularly... more than once or twice a year.

When my grandmother was alive, she would throw these huge dinners at her house just because she wanted to see her family. When we moved down to Charlotte, she kept up the tradition and so there was always someone visiting from Up Top. "I miss you" was all the reason she needed to gather with loved ones. Since her passing, I feel so lonely. I miss the sense of family that she created. My family isn't perfect but they are mine. I love them and I miss them. I haven't seen my Dad and his family in 3 years; my younger brother since February and a host of cousins, aunts, uncles since God knows. So there you have it. I'm willing to turn mine and Jax's life upside down just to be able to get in a car, ride a train or a bus for a short ride and spend time with those who mean the most to me while we still have breath in our bodies to do so.

This is some real n*gga sh*t right here!

The following phone conversation took place on Thanksgiving Day at approxiamately 12PM between Family Guy and myself:

HIM: Hey Babe, Happy Thanksgiving.

ME: Hi! Same to you. How are you today.

HIM: I'm ok. Look, I need to tell you that Thanksgiving dinner has been cancelled today. My mom and my sister got into it real bad last night and my sister cancelled dinner at her place. I'm just gonna chill at home with the girls and have a quiet Thanksgiving.

ME: Oh ok.

HIM: Yeah, so I will talk to you some time later.

ME: Oh ok. Well have a good day. Talk to you later.

Ok America... are you thinking what I was thinking? "Craig, you ain't gots to lie!" The followup conversation took place at approxiamately 10PM Thanksgiving evening.

HIM: Hey Babe, how was your day?

ME: It was pretty cool. Was only able to make 2 of my 4 stops but we ate good. I hate that I didn't get a chance to see you. How was your's?

HIM: Wonderful. I got to see a lot of family members that I haven't seen in a minute. Food was good.

ME: Oh really? Where was this?

HIM: At my sisters.

ME: *interrupting him in mid sentence* Ooooooh ok. Well I'm watching this Beyonce special on t.v. and she is about to sing my song. I'll call you back after the show.

HIM: Ok.

Ok, I lied. I had no intent on calling back and no desire of hearing how he was going to spin this lie. Lying to me, no matter the circumstance, is an absolute deal breaker and it is something I let men know up front. Now had he just left the conversation at that I probably wouldn't have written this blog but I must expose bullshit in dating whenever the opportunity presents itself.

Two days later I received the following text message from Family Guy: "Hey. (I) haven't forgot us just got a lot of bs going on right now and I don't want it to transfer when we talkin or hangin. I think we should chill for a min, sorry"

Yes America, this is truly a WTF moment! First of all dude, I ceased all contact with you on Thanksgiving. In my mind I was cool with just leaving things where they were. I didn't like the fact that you created a stupid lie rather than just being honest and saying, "Something has come up and I need to take back my invitation to dinner," but that was the card you chose to play. I wanted to remember you as a fairly decent guy but noooooo you had to have the last word.

How sorry must you be as a man to not have the guts to face me as a women or at least pick up the phone and call me to tell me that you no longer have a desire to see me? It isn't a crime for one person to loose interest in another. However, no adult should break things off with another adult in such an informal fashion.... EVER! Some things are really just that simple but when people go out of their way to be non confrontational it just creates a down situation.

All of my 2010 dating pitfalls have ONE common theme: bad communication. No really, read the blog. I know men are from Mars and women are from Venus (blah blah blah) but communication has always been about 1 thing... Making sure your audience receives your intended message. Since I've chosen not to respond to any attempts to communicate with me, I hope he is hearing (listening for understanding that is) clearly. Or perhaps the next time he calls, I should just pick up the phone and press play on Cee-Lo Green's FUCK YOU in lieu of talking to him. I don't think he will misinterpret my message then.

An unlikely pair.....

I remember when the world first found out about Janet Jackson and Jermaine Dupri and how NOBODY could understand what drew the two together (or at least that was my reaction). She, pop royalty and he... well I have yet to find a nice way to describe Jermaine, nothing personal, but you know.

Well while on my date with Family Guy this past weekend that is the image that popped into my head. There I was, all prissed up, proper speaking, dressed straight off the rack of Ann Taylor and there he was sitting across the table from me in his Ecko sweater, jeans and Air Force 1's. We were talking about something non-important when it dawned on me that dude is exactly the type of man that I've spent much of my adult life avoiding. This isn't to say anything bad about dude but I definitely was not checking for someone like him in my dating adventures.

I VERY recently retired my (grocery) list of requirements. You know the list I'm talking about. The one that reads: Mr. Right must be 6' 3" tall, hold a Master's from an Ivy League School, earn 150k+ a year, must be physically fit, etc... Ok, ok that is a GROSS exaggeration of my list but I think you get the point I'm trying to make. Every woman has one. It's almost like we are going to run down to the local Harris Teeter, gather these ingredients and Presto... The Perfect Man will appear (hence the grocery reference). Like really ladies, who put that dumb idea in our heads? Or as Dr. Phil would say, "How's that working out for ya?"

I'm learning that I what I WANT isn't always what I NEED. Please don't miscontrue that as a statement of me settling but rather a declaration that I'm ready to be realistic about life and love. Family Guy could possibly end up not being Mr. Right for me and that's ok. Going forward I plan to leave each experience a little more in tune with what I need from a relationship.

Janet has gone on record to say that Jermaine saw her differently and made her feel good about herself and her self image. I wouldn't expect her to air her dirty laundry but the fact that she speaks so highly of the man at every opportunity definitely tells me that she received something of value out of their relationship. In a way, he upgraded her....