I promise to only cry about this thing ONE last time...

I don't like the rules. Can I rewrite them? I want the piece of my heart that I gave to you back. I will gladly return yours, that is if I ever really had it. No I don't hate you. But thanks to you I'm jaded. I want closure, that intangible asset that everyone experiencing pain requests. I know that I will never be made whole and now I'm beginning to realize that this chapter will never actually have an end. You see I can't erase the memories and I can't change the facts. I loved you... still do; but you didn't and still don't appreciate it. You exploited my kindness as though it were a weakness. You preyed on my vulnerabilities. My transparency became your weapon of choice. And although the thoughts have crossed my mind, I just can't muster up the energy to do you the way you have done me.

My vow is to only cry about this once more. I doubt it will erase my pain or feelings of victimization. But here are the facts: 1. Everything that you have to use against me I gave it to you, so I'm to blame. 2. I'm no longer looking for you to acknowledge your wrongs. 3. And although this experience has been painful, I needed it to get me where I'm supposed to be. So... thank you!

You do know that I'm CrAzY, right?

Ok America, I just told y'all I ain't been saved but for a minute, right? So why is it that folks are dead set on testing me? I am crazy! Not straight jacket, padded cell, popping pills crazy; more like sitting in a completely dark room sipping on a deuce deuce of malt liquor, puffing on a Newport while listening to gangster rap crazy. And I'm sure given the right circumstances I may fall off the edge, snap and catch a charge.

I grew up in a time where children were actually scared of adults for that very exact reason. In fact I recall using this very statement, "I'm not going to do that, don't you know that my grandparents are crazy!" And just so we are I clear, I expect Jax to grow up telling his friends the same thing.

Ok, here's the truth: My bark is often worse than my bite. However my tolerance for bullshit is negligible, if any at all. I've often been told that I don't have a filter, and at 32 I don't plan on getting one either. Becoming a mom has lowered your odds of sympathy from me. Don't get me wrong, I am a very compassionate, loyal person. If you were down and out and I could help I would but people often view my kindness as a weakness. I've come to terms with the fact that I'm not liked by all. At this point in my life I'm not concerned with others or their opinion of me. They haven't provided me with any of the blessings that have been bestowed upon me. They don't have a heaven (or a hell for that matter) to put me in. I stopped viewing life as a popularity contest a long time ago. I've been sent by the Kingdom for an important assignment. I have dreams to live out and a purpose to walk in.

Jeremiah 29:11-13 (Nefertari's Introspective Version)

Nefertari, I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Nefertari, you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will listen to you. You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart.

I'm prayed up and I'm focused man! No weapon....

We Can't Be Friends!

I came across the following quote on twitter today:

"If a relationship ends because the *person* wasn't treating you as you deserve then HELL NO you can't 'be friends! Friends don't mistreat friends." *This quote was edited because I feel that it fits both males and females*


Simple and to the point right? Well then why in the world do we keep allowing people to mistreat us? Why are we glutton for punishment? Let's be real, yes it is wrong for someone to take advantage of our feelings, kindness, love, etc... but aren't we to blame for allowing such things to occur when we attempt to leave friendship on the table? Some of us guard our possessions with more security than we do our hearts. And so there it lays, on the road for someone to run over repeatedly. Then when we finally run up on something or someone good we don't know how to treat it because we are holding on to some past hurts. CrAzY!!!!

Look people these are relationship fundamentals. And yes, I am ministering to myself on this one for sure! So how does the healing begin? Stop being naive. Don't expect an apology. Stop looking for closure. Don't be bitter. Let it go. Not all things require answers. While you are waiting in expectation for those things, life is surely passing you by.

Yes, it is and will be hard to let go. No one desires to be alone. God did not design us that way. He made Adam and then Eve in his likeness because he felt that Adam needed companionship. But I would rather be alone than continue to be in a toxic relationship.

Casting Call....

Wouldn't it be great if we could just post an ad for the ideal person we are looking to share our lives with and hold auditions until we found exactly what we were looking for? If so my ad would read as follows:

Now auditioning for the role of lead man in Nefertari's life.

Interested candidates need to meet the following prerequisites in order to be considered:

• Single, heterosexual male between the ages of 25 - 35
• He must be a GOD fearing man, that has a personal relationship with Christ and is active in his home church.
• Must have a stable career. No more than 2 jobs in the last 3 years.
• Can not have been charged or convicted for a crime against a person (i.e. rape, assault, attempted murder).
• If he has children he MUST be up to date on child support payments and must have an active relationship with the children. Gentlemen with more than 2 children will not be considered.
• Must exhibit sound financial practices.
• Must have a desire to marry, and spend the rest of his life in a monogamous relationship.

Please, no drama, no baggage, no representatives and no sponsors. Serious candidates only. The director reserves the right to change the script as needed.

And then I pinch myself and drift back to reality. I can always keep hope alive. Maybe he's reading this right now?

My head hurts...

Ok, 1st let me say coming up with topics for this blog is exhausting. I'm sorry for neglecting her so much. But why did it just hit me that it doesn't matter what the title is, this blog is about me... I'm alive everyday, so how could I not have ample material for it? LOL


Anywho, I recently had a revelation. After 2.5 years of pursuit and $40k in student loans I've decided that I DO NOT want to be a Project Manager. Yup folks, you heard it here first. I've changed my mind, yet again. In fact my inability to remain committed to something that no longer holds my attention is one of the most consistent things of my personality. In other words I get bored easily. My friends and family saw this coming tho. They refer to me as the professional student. Always learning something new.


So why the change? Well I 've been tired of corporate for quite some time. The culture is so not me. I'm not a liar. I keep it real. I'm not a robot. I'm family oriented. And most importantly, I'm loyal to myself and my son. Those qualities have made my path difficult at best in my current and previous jobs. I'm not going to brown nose. I don't want to be in management and I'm not cut out to throw folks in front the bus as a means of self preservation.

All this talk about careers and change makes my head hurt! I mean was growing up optional? Cause this adult stuff hurts, sucks and is messing with my pursuit of happyness. Where is Dr. Conrad Murray when you need him? I sure could use 2 of something right now.

25 Random Things About Me....

1. I AM from Brooklyn, NY! I know you can't tell from my Southern accent.
2. I am not a complicated person.
3. My favorite Seaseme Street character is Grover. It ain't easy being blue!
4. My favorite singer is Mariah Carey. I've seen her in concert and have had the opportunity to meet her.
5. My favorite color is Pink.
6. I write daily in a gratitude journal. I have so much to be thankful for.
7. At night I watch my son sleep. I still can't believe that he is REAL.
8. I miss my grandmother. She raised me and there hasn't been a day since her passing that she hasn't crossed my mind.
9. I voted for George W. Bush in 2000 and 2004. Sad but true.
10. I'm not scared to speak my mind. We are entitled to our opinions so why be scared to express them?
11. I was married for less than a 1 year (not counting the 1 year separation).
12. I have 4 tattoos and have already designed number 5.
13. I miss selling Real Estate full time.
14. I've never been offered or done an illegal drug. And I'd like to keep it that way!
15. This is the 4th Honda Accord that I have owned.
16. I can't stand the following phrases: Baby Momma, Baby Daddy.
17. In elementary school I used to suck my thumb.
18. I love to laugh.
19. Hair is an accessory. I'm not scared to change it up.
20. My favorite meal is spaghetti, meatballs, garlic bread and salad.
21. I can cook! My grandma taught me.
22. I can bake from scratch! Another thing my grandma taught me.
23. I like controlled chaos but can't stand a mess.
24. I used to run 5k's.
25. Yes, I'm tall (5'10") but I don't know how to play basketball.

The Ready-Made Family Syndrome

I recently discovered that I suffer from the ready-made family syndrome. What is that, you may ask. Well, it applies to independent singles mom's who are quite capable of holding things down but are in search of that significant other to make things whole. Or as my friend so insensitively mentioned to me, "You have the house, you have the child and now you're looking to add a man and stir...." Mind you this came from a person that was well aware of the fact that I had accomplished all of these things prior to us embarking on our courtship. It was in that moment that it hit me.... I could be perfect in all areas that he may have on his "list" but because I have a child I'm not the one for him. Just made me want to say C'mon Son, get the fuck outta here with that bullshit! But I digress.


So I ask, single mom's, is this the reason why we aren't being snatched off the market as the HOT commodities we are? Not only are my chances of getting married sharply declining because I'm over 30 and I'm black but now you can add the fact that I'm a mom to that and take me out of the equation. Here is what really pisses me off, I take care of myself because I have to. I have ambition, drive.... yeah you can call me "Miss Independent;" and that is being held against me. I wasn't about to change my standard of living because I had a child. Not all single mom's are living in the PJ's, waiting on their welfare check. Although I wasn't married when I had my child, it wasn't my intent to remain single but things are what they are. Or how about those women that are single mom's because of divorce? I know a number of good women (self included) that are being overlooked just because. Yes, I can do it for myself, buy it for myself, but that doesn't mean that I don't want a man to do it.


If he would have asked for my thoughts on the situation he would have found that I am looking for the missing ingredient in my recipe. Webster's defines the term blend as follows: to mix smoothly and inseparably together. Sure things work ok now as they are, but why settle for ok when you can have SPECTACULAR?? Adding a strong stable man to the equation can only be seen as nothing less than good for our children; even with their biological father is doing his part. I am not interested in adding mediocracy to my recipe.


Now don't get me wrong, dude was totally entitled to have his preference. However, had he been upfront about his uneasiness about entering a relationship with me I wouldn't have wasted my time or his, nor would I be writing this blog. So it appears that a number of lessons have been learned from this situation. Perhaps the most disappointing is the fact that I'm thought of as a packet of kool-aid...