2011: Rebuild Me

Raise your hand if you, like me, will not miss 2010 in the least! I came out the blocks boldy proclaiming that 2010 was going to be my shining moment. I was going to let my light shine so bright that you would know that I'm a Christian without even having to ask me. Welp, I'm sad that I have to admit, I failed....miserably. My flame dimmed quickly and what we have in the after math is a broken, damaged, bruised and hurt Nefertari.


America, can I take a moment to be transparent?


I was really ready and excited about 2010, until the tests came.


Damaged:
This came in the form of a break up. It wasn't so much the break up that bothered me as much as him moving on did. The relationship, for all intensive purposes, had been over for some time. I was stuck somewhere between complacency and fear. I'd grown accustomed to the fact that he was always there but knew deep down inside we weren't growing.... too many unforgiven hurts, uttered insults, and no peace within. God removed an obstacle and I put it back! Lied to myself by allowing myself to believe that we could be friends. *See how we invite the enemy back in* I just couldn't understand why he got to move on and be happy while I stayed stuck in my pain and pity. I never really gave God a chance to complete the transformation He began. And you gotta love God for sitting back and allowing us to "fix" things our way. Lord forgive me for not leaving this in your hands.


Broken:
In February my son went through a series of evaluations because his teachers were concerned about his cognitive and social growth. Those tests lead to further tests and in May he was officially diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder. This was devastating.... well, to me. In my mind, it was like his life was over before it had even started. The world is a cold place to individuals who are differently-abled, even down to the way they categorize them. Disabled: (adj.) crippled, injured, incapcitated. Jackson does not fit either of those descriptions. See in the moment that I heard the word Autism I ceased to believe in God's promise in Romans 8:28. "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." See Austism isn't about me or Jackson, its about God. God is going to work something awesome out of this situation, and I allowed the world to tell me otherwise. Lord forgive me for not believing in you.

Bruised:
In January, I interviewed for a full time opportunity to do the job that I had been doing for 2 years as a contractor. I was denied the position. Talk about being pissed. I was good enough to do the job for 2 years but not good enough to get some benefits???? In May they abruptly ended my contract on a Friday afternoon at 2pm. Truth be told, I'm still a little salty about it. No warning, no apology, no thanks for your hard work. But here is the thing about that, when I first took the job it was for a 6 month contract. It was always a temporary situation, and I held on trying to make it something permanent. I should have spent that time nurturing my dream and preparing for take off but I didn't.

Peculiar thing, within 2 weeks of leaving I had 2 job offers. One would have allowed me to move out of state but I was scared. Scared to take the job because I was scared of going somewhere and it just being Jackson and I, scared that the salary wouldn't be sufficient enough and scared that no other doors would open up for me. So I took the local job, and needless to say I'm miserable here. I recently found out that my pay is going to be cut by $4k per year, should I choose to continue employment. So the reason I decided to stay is now the reason why I can't afford to stay. *Yea, I don't care if they're reading this blog* And I'm gonna keep it real, I feel like I'm being punished by God for being disobedient. When I got the relocation job something in the pit of my stomach told me to take it. I definitely had a Peter moment. God was sending me, and I didn't go because I was scared of the unknown. Lord forgive me for doubting you.

Hurt:
While I was busy not leaving matters in God's hands, not believing in God and doubting his plan for my life I was also not patiently waiting for God to send me the man he has designed for me. It's no secret that I have had, what I believe to be, more than my fair share of horrible dating experiences this past year. More than I've actually had a chance to write about to be honest. And as recent as this week my pitfalls in dating actually had me asking myself the following: What the hell is wrong with me???? It's got to be me. I've got to be the reason why I haven't landed Mr. Right yet... right? NOT! The reason why I haven't met him yet is because God hasn't sent him. Love is patient, Nef.... not so much. And yet again, God sits back and allows me to make a mess of my life. I actually think he's getting a good laugh out of it too. Lord forgive me for not waiting on you.

For the Broken - Rebuild Me
For the Damaged - Rebuild Me
For the Bruised - Rebuild Me
For the Hurt - Rebuild Me
I'm standing with all I know. With no where else to go. I'm standing in the need of prayer. If you hear me, Lord please let me know that you're there. Come and fix me! If you don't do it, it won't get done. Forgive me for what I've done. Rebuild Me. ~ James Moss

The Common Denominator

I am officially soliciting the counsel of you America! I need therapy but can't afford to sit on the couch of a true professional. So shall we talk...

How does a girl like me keep attracting the idiots I've gone out with over the last year? Is there an overflow of busters in Charlotte, NC? I've been going on TONS of dates but I'm interested in quality not quantity. I guess it's time to take a look at the common denominator in all of this *queues the music... dun dun dunnnnnn* ME!

I'm not saying that I'm the problem however, I can't deny that I am the universal link. So in my quest to determine the issue a male acquaintance gave an unsolicitated explanation. I apparently suffer from the angry black woman syndrome. Actually allow me to quote him, "You really need to work on your attitude! It's gotten worse over the past few weeks." Can you believe it America, me having a nasty attitude? I know, at first I was appauled too. In fact I was almost apologetic but my lips wouldn't allow me to utter any regrets. So there I stood, in shock about being accused of having a bad attitude. And as if that news wasn't painful enough to hear, dude told me to go home and "reflect on said attitude."

Well America I did go home and reflect on said attitude, and you know what conclusion I was able to come to... Ninja Please, you must not know bout me! Somewhere along the line mofos have gotten the game all twisted. I'm under NO obligation to be nice to any man especially if I'm getting half ass attempts from him in the area of courting. Allow me to elaborate.... I'm the woman, I don't chase. I may initiate a convo or ask a man out on a PSEUDO date (coffee, ice cream, etc.) but that is purely for the purpose of letting him know that I am interested. If he wants my attention it is his job to get it and keep it. If all he does is consistently invite me over to his place to chill, as opposed to taking me on a REAL date or everytime we talk its about us performing some type of sex act that is a part of his sexual fantasy then guess what... I'm going to have some sort of attitude. I am a very warm and inviting person, but if I'm giving attitude it's because I've lost interest. I can't possibly take any man serious if he isn't interested in getting to know Nefertari.

I'm confident about who I am, what I want and what I have to offer. This ain't a game to me. I reserve the right to be selective because what I have ain't for everybody.

So America what did I learn from this situation? I'm definitely not the reason why this mofo is single.

Operation Relocation

#OperationRelocation


If you follow me on twitter you already know what the above hashtag is about. Despite the fact that Charlotte has been my home for over 20 years (by the way I'm only 22 *wink wink*), I am homesick. I'm originally from Brooklyn, NY and moved down here with my grandparents in 1989. Both of my grandparents have since passed and other than my son I don't have any family here. Home is where the heart is, and my heart is with my family but I have to be honest moving back to NY is a pseudo desire. I just want to spend time with my family, I don't really want to raise my child there, live in an overpriced apartment in a high rise building, deal with alternate side of the street parking M-F, or ride public transportation because the cost of parking in the city is sky high. Nope, I just really want to spend time with my loved ones regularly... more than once or twice a year.

When my grandmother was alive, she would throw these huge dinners at her house just because she wanted to see her family. When we moved down to Charlotte, she kept up the tradition and so there was always someone visiting from Up Top. "I miss you" was all the reason she needed to gather with loved ones. Since her passing, I feel so lonely. I miss the sense of family that she created. My family isn't perfect but they are mine. I love them and I miss them. I haven't seen my Dad and his family in 3 years; my younger brother since February and a host of cousins, aunts, uncles since God knows. So there you have it. I'm willing to turn mine and Jax's life upside down just to be able to get in a car, ride a train or a bus for a short ride and spend time with those who mean the most to me while we still have breath in our bodies to do so.