Imagine sitting in a room and listening to someone tell you that there are concerns for your child. Concerns that have the potential to affect his development and way of life. That was me last week. I sat in a room with 3 professionals as they explained to me the findings of their recent evaluations. The results: my son shows concerns in the areas of social interaction, speech and language development and sensory development. In short, he exemplifies behavior consistent with Autism.
It felt as though someone had just dropped a ton of bricks on me, like my heart was being shredded to pieces. Not my son! He is a bright, animated little boy... you must have him mistaken. I've been unable to sleep. I think I've cried myself to sleep every night, only to wake up 2 hours later and not be able to fall back asleep. I haven't watched this many re-runs in a minute. I've been withdrawing from the crowd... shut down my facebook page, not taking calls, not answering texts. No desire to eat. No desire to get out of bed.
I was already dealing with some other hurts, and this news just made me question what is the purpose of it all. I know this doesn't sound like a confident Christian but the fact is at the end of the day I'm human. Being a Christian didn't take away my ability to feel. My highest high pales in comparison to this new low. I'm not a fan of suicide and I know better than to turn to alcohol or drugs as a crutch, but in this moment I fully understand how the pressure of life can cause someone to falter.
Romans 8:28 says, "And we KNOW that ALL THINGS work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose." Really God? My son didn't ask to be here, much less for all this to be handed to him. I am having a hard time believing, seeing or understanding how this is working out for my good. Yes, I am questioning if God is really on my side.... Why is God allowing this to occur to us? Why is God stripping me of everything that I've become comfortable with? Have I become too complacent with my walk? Have I allowed the outside to influence me too much? Or could it be that I am starting to look less like Christ and more like Nefertari?
What is the purpose of going through? It's definitely not so you can come out, because I can guarantee this will not be my last opportunity to go through.
Matthew 28:18-20 "And Jesus came and spake unto them, saying, ALL power is given unto me in heaven, and in earth. Go ye therefore, and teach all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son and of the Holy Ghost: Teaching them to observe all things whatsoever I have commanded you: and, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world. Amen."
This moment, this experience, this time isn't about me and it isn't about Jackson. It is about God! It has always been about God. A tough pill to swallow but definitely medicine. See God commissioned the believers to go forth and spread the gospel. This is the purpose of being a Christian. And Romans 8:28 reminds us that things will work out for those called according to HIS purpose. So even in my pain, I must not loose sight of the fact that everything that is occuring is because of God's plan.
So in going through I must take away the following: My life is not my own, so how I feel is insignificant. God proves his word by allowing us to be tested (go though). In my pain, in my suffering I can not give up on what GOD has said to me. And lastly who I am to God, I must become.
Going through has nothing to do with me....
