The date is engraved in my mind like it is on her tombstone. She went to a better place and left a hole in my heart as a result. Psychology teaches that there are 5 stages to grief; Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. However, no one ever said that once you reach acceptance that you won't start the process all over again. There isn't a day that she does not cross my mind... Not 1!!!! Today is the 2nd anniversary of her passing, and I am in the depressed stage. I accept that she is in a better place, therefore I am not angry about it. I will not deny that this is painful or bargain with God for a different result. Instead it saddens me that all I have left are memories and pictures. And on days like today those just aren't enough. I can't pick up the phone and tell her about whatever new discovery Jackson made today in school. I can't ask her to walk me through her banana pudding recipe. No more parenting advice or words of inspiration. She was my biggest fan. There was NO obstacle that she didn't believe that I could remove. She took pride in my greatest accomplishment, Jackson, as though it were her own. I knew that she was proud of me, but somehow I always feel as though I failed her. I had so many other dreams I wanted her to witness and be a part of. What do you do to move on? Will I ever have peace? Am I being selfish? Even as I write this, my eyes are heavy with tears. I'm fighting to keep them in so instead I feel an ache in my chest as a result. If I could only snap my fingers, click my heels, get in a machine and travel back in time to be with her...
And there are times that I wonder, how painful was it for her to know that she was preparing to leave her family; the life that she spent 81 years becoming accostumed to. Long before she drifted into an eternal sleep, she knew that the hands on her clock of life were about to stop. There would be no battery to replace, no dial to turn that would allow her to start where she had left off. And yet, even then she thought of us. A slow goodbye. She would have it no other way. Surrounded by us... taking shifts... And in the end, she must have believed in her heart or hearts that we would be ok. That we would adjust to life without her. She poured all of her love into her family and prayed that it would be more than enough.
She was more than my grandmother. She was my mother, my mentor, my best friend, my homie, my ace, my ride or die, Superwoman. In Nefertari there are traces of Ruby. Her legacy, her grace and sometimes her strength live in me. But today, I just long to have her here, with me. Today, I'm a girl that misses her granny. Maybe tomorrow I can be a strong woman.....
